Health jokes

What did the old chimney say to the young chimney?

"You're too young to smoke!"

That's not even a bad joke-

Me: Knock knock.

My Grandma: Who’s there?

Me: Interrupting cow.

My Grandma: Interrupting c-

[Dies from heart attack]

I talked to your doctor. He said you wasn’t going to make it because your stretch marks look like pieces of bacon.

Your mom is so fat that she only knows three letters, which are "KFC."

What is the toughest part of the human body?

Anal hair, all the shit that they go through.

A blonde went to an HIV test. When she came back, she said, “The doctors say that I’m all positive!”

What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?

If you break a leg, you get cast.

I think we should change Alzheimer’s disease to Joe Biden disease.

Have you heard of the man who got all his left side chopped off?

He was all right.

What do you give a sick lemon?

Lemon-aid.

You fighting? More like you're dying!

I was about to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Q: How do you deliver an autistic baby?

A: A clothes hanger.

My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?

I asked Stephen if he was an organ donor, and he said why.

I said, "That's a shame. I need parts for my go-cart."

Why did the rapper go to the optometrist?

Because he needed to improve his RAP VISION.

I went to the mental hospital. I asked one of the kid what its favorite animal was. They said a bird. I asked for a reason. It's because they both jump off roofs.

One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.

Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"

Smoking will kill you.

Bacon will kill you.

But, smoking bacon will cure it!

What’s the best cure for not wanting to go to work?

Suicide.