Health jokes

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.

"Doctor, I'm shrinking!"

"Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS.

I heard Pixar is releasing a new movie.

It’s called Finding Chemo.

Yo mamma is so dumb that she smokes to burn calories!

What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in a bathtub?

Throw them some laundry.

Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

Because you can’t take medicine on an empty stomach.

What’s a kid with Down syndrome's favorite candy... Grunts.

I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

What do you call lesbian sex during their period?

A blood transfusion.

Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."

What's the best way to remove gum from hair?

Cancer.

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period?

She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

Chuck Norris doesn't get sun burns. The sun knows better.

What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?

They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

Why did the computer go to the doctor?

Because it had a virus.

All zodiac signs have their hairstyles. Except cancer.