Health jokes
The lady was so fat that when she stepped on the scale, the scale responded with, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"
Swallow cum, not gum.
Why doesn't Africa have pharmacies?
Because you can't take drugs on an empty stomach.
How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
Imagine there’s a funny joke here. Imagine it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you’re schizophrenic.
Why did the math book go to the psychologist?
It had too many problems.
What is the difference between cremation and smoking?
While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.
Why is there air conditioning at a hospital?
To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.
Yum!
Make a wish kid: I want to meet Mac Miller.
Make a wish staff: You will soon, chief.
I never liked unnatural adult stars with implants and face surgeries because they look photoshopped, and they always need a ton of lube to get into due to how plastic they are.
How do you stop constipation?
You scare the crap outta them.
(Crap is another word for poop.)
What are the four letters you don’t want to hear from a dentist?
I C D K
I can make a word with those: "DICK".
Me after Taco Bell, "I’m about to blow this place up like September 11."
What did the doctor say to the orphan?
"I can't help you with cancer, I'm a family doctor!"
Did you know nine of ten dentists recommend oral sex?
How does a prostitute that has blond hair and polish and a gay white male kill erectile dysfunction for his clients?
He performs fellatio on them.
Q: Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake.
What’s the most common name for cancer patients?
Luke (leukemia)
Three doctors go into a room to get rid of a dead guy's body. They notice when they walk over that he has a boner. The first doctor decides, "Why not fuck him? He still has a boner left in him." The second says, "Well, he's dead, and I am a virgin." The third one says, "I can't, I'm on my period," and then says, "Okay, why not? He's already dead. It's not like he doesn't smell bad." After all that, they go to walk out, and the guy pops up and says, "Thanks for saving my life, pumping blood back into my body..."
My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing Minecraft all night.
Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my Switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believed that at the time, but now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't.