Health jokes

Aren't paraplegics just plegics who can fly?

Me: Doctor, can I get a new butt? My old one has a crack in it.

Doctor: I told you a billion times already. Everyone's butt has a crack in it.

Me: How do you know that?

What do you call a girl skeleton dancing?

A bone-étit.

One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.

What do you call an Irish person having a seizure? A Shamrock Shake.

I pregnoot.

Which part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?

The wheelchair.

How do you get rid of a fat ghost? You exercise it.

For a while, lead was used in pencils, but... we realised that it might not have been the smartest idea because it lead (badoom ching) to some people getting lead poisoning.

Yo mama so fat, the only letters that she knows are KFC.

Knock, knock.

(Who’s there?)

Roger.

(Roger who?)

Roger walks away, silently sobbing, having realized his mother’s Alzheimer’s is getting worse!

I heard Steven Spielberg is coming out with a new movie about fat people called E.C.

(Extra Cholesterol)

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

What do you call a cripple convention? A salad.

Dam, my balls itch like hell.

There's a movie about constipation. It hasn't come out yet.

There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.

Why did Daveon go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling "Daveon" in the dumps.

Friend: Ur sister after you were born. 😭

Me: Ur brother after chemotherapy. 😵

My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.