Health jokes
Why is mercury like everything else in the world?
Because it gives you cancer.
A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”
The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Why doesn't Africa have pharmacies?
Because you can't take drugs on an empty stomach.
Swallow cum, not gum.
How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
Imagine there’s a funny joke here. Imagine it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you’re schizophrenic.
Man says, "What's Ligma?"
Woman says, "Ligma balls!"
Baby says nothing, she transgender.
Why is there air conditioning at a hospital?
To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.
Yum!
Why did the math book go to the psychologist?
It had too many problems.
Me after Taco Bell, "I’m about to blow this place up like September 11."
What did the doctor say to the orphan?
"I can't help you with cancer, I'm a family doctor!"
How do you stop constipation?
You scare the crap outta them.
(Crap is another word for poop.)
What are the four letters you don’t want to hear from a dentist?
I C D K
I can make a word with those: "DICK".
I never liked unnatural adult stars with implants and face surgeries because they look photoshopped, and they always need a ton of lube to get into due to how plastic they are.
How does a prostitute that has blond hair and polish and a gay white male kill erectile dysfunction for his clients?
He performs fellatio on them.
Did you know nine of ten dentists recommend oral sex?
Q: Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake.
What is the difference between cremation and smoking?
While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.
Make a wish kid: I want to meet Mac Miller.
Make a wish staff: You will soon, chief.
What’s the most common name for cancer patients?
Luke (leukemia)