Health jokes
I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.
What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.
I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.
I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.
We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.
What did Goodlife Fitness say to LA Fitness? "I guess it's just not 'working out'!"
My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.
Who is the blindest person in the world?
Why should old women never eat seafood?
'Cause then she'll start acting crabby.
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra!
What's the most expensive haircut you can get? Chemotherapy.
So, a mom and a dad take their son to a therapist.
“What seems to be the problem?” the therapist asked.
“Our son thinks he’s a refrigerator!” they said.
So the therapist replies, “Oh dear, that must be a problem.”
“Yeah, he sleeps with his mouth open, and the light is really bright.”
Yo mama eats so much that she spends her whole life on the toilet.
As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!
"Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated? He’s all right now."
"Being broke is a disease, stay the fuck away from me."
You're so fat you can't see your penis when you piss.
What is the difference between me and a retard?
At least I have chromosomes.
Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. 𝓐𝓷𝓭 𝓭𝓲𝓮.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.