What did Melania ever see in Donald Trump?
$2 billion and high cholesterol.
What does milk and a kid with cancer have in common?
An expiration date.
What is the difference between a priest and a doctor?
The doctor doesn't like to give physicals.
What do you get after a leper has a hot bath? ... Porridge.
Home Covid Test.
1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.
Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.
I am so nervous.
Doctor: "You're as healthy as a horse!"
Jimmy: "That's great!"
Doctor: "A horse with cancer."
I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.
I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.
If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?
Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.
Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)
COVID-19 won't last long... it's made in China.
I forgot the joke.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"
"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."
The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"
The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."
"What about the boy?" the woman asked.
The doctor said, "Denephew."
You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
The daughter milked her dad. It turns out it wasn't milk...
I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.
Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
How do you help a constipated person?
You scare the shit out of them!
What do women have on an empty stomach? A miscarriage.
