Health jokes

Why does the nurse need a red pen?

In case she has to draw blood.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

I finally know why my brain doesn't work!

On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.

What’s green and yellow and eats at your nuts?

Gonorrhea.

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

They say that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. Wanna fight? 👅💦

What's the best way to get gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

What do you get after a leper has a hot bath? ... Porridge.

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.

The daughter milked her dad. It turns out it wasn't milk...

What do you call a 3-sum with a girl with AIDS?

Nut in the butt.

An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.

if you throw it hard enough.

What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.

What does milk and a kid with cancer have in common?

An expiration date.

Home Covid Test.

1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.

2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.

3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.

I am so nervous.

Doctor: "You're as healthy as a horse!"

Jimmy: "That's great!"

Doctor: "A horse with cancer."

So, is a homosexual in a coma a fruit or a vegetable?

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.

Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)