I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.
Guess who likes vegetables now?
I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.
But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"
Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.
Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.
What do ninjas and depressed people have in common?
They're always cutting.
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Your hairline is the reason why some women have miscarriages.
Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?
I never get off on the wrong foot.
Numb Butt Wheelchair Club: No Feeling, No Problem!
I had to go to the doctor for a prostate exam. When he stuck it in, I started to squirm, so he held onto my shoulder.
I thought it was going well, until he grabbed my other shoulder as well.
So, this guy, right? He has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog.
About 2 weeks after he loses everything, he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "What do you mean by 'blowing chunks'?" says the boss. The man replies with, "Chunks is the name of my dog..."
Q: Why are medication pills white?
A: Because they work
Q: Why was the gay man fired from the sperm bank?
A: He got caught drinking on the job.
Q: Why was the 4 year old anti-vaxer crying?
A: He was in a mid-life crisis.
If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?
What did the autistic kid order at a restaurant?
A disorder.
Man 1: Dude, Viagra is for pussies. Real men don’t need Viagra.
Man 2: I thought Viagra was for dicks?
I met a talking lizard. The doctor told me he had ereptile dysfunction! 🦎
They say if Viagra lasts more than four hours, call the doctor? I’m just wondering, it’s been six hours and I’m still hard, should I call the doctor or hop on another woman?
