Health jokes
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
Doctor: "You're as healthy as a horse!"
Jimmy: "That's great!"
Doctor: "A horse with cancer."
1: My grandpa died last year.
2: What kind of cancer?
1: He was hit by a bus! It's called bus cancer.
Why did the kid fall off the swing? He had no arms.
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there?
Not Susie.
Have you ever heard Stephen Hawking sing?
"Head, shoulders, wheels and frames, wheels and frames!"
Make a wish kid: I want to meet Mac Miller.
Make a wish staff: You will soon, chief.
Cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already at stage four!
Don't use Head and Shoulders, just use Head; otherwise, you'll end up in the retarded situation Stephen Hawking went through.
I used to be a doctor, until a girl came in to get a kidney transplant, but I had to give her anal resizing surgery first.
How do you knockout an unorthodox blue tooth?
You get a good connection.
My dog got stuck in my ass, help!
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.
What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?
Eating the wheelchair.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Crippling depression.
Crippling depression who--?
Me.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
The baby cries when I cut it, but an onion makes me cry when I cut it.
Why didn't the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn't in it!
Time heals all wounds.
Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.
Your mama is so stupid, she went to the dentist to get a Bluetooth.