Health jokes
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
Never eat more than you can lift.
What was the winning play at the leper football game?
A hand off up the middle.
Man says, "What's Ligma?"
Woman says, "Ligma balls!"
Baby says nothing, she transgender.
Stroke victims are my heroes.
My favorite is Louis C.K.
What’s the hardest part of a veggie to eat?
The wheelchair.
What's the best cure for aging? Suicide.
This isn't a joke; I just want to spread awareness of anatidaephobia.
I put glue in a man :)
What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?
An erection!
What’s the hardest part of the vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
Our family is known for unusually sloppy diarrhea.
It runs in our jeans.
This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."
What's the most expensive haircut in the world?
Chemotherapy.
Condoms? HA! Those are for pussies!
What do you call a downy under water?
Dead fish
What’s the difference between Jimmy and a normal kid? Jimmy is fat.
How do you recover from prostate cancer surgery?
It’s all Depends!
What do you call a malignant cell in Paris?
A Royale with cancer.
What did the cancer cell say to its neighbor?
"Mind if I join you?"