Health jokes
I needed a test on if I'm pregnant. Then the doc said, "Take your pants down." Then he put his penis in my vagina and said, "Now you are pregnant."
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?
It's only got 10 hours to live.
I made someone a PB and J sandwich... they died.
What game hurts you the more stages you survive?
Cancer.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Rabid cow.
Rabid cow who?
Hold on, I need to get my gun...
Why are you so tired if you can’t see? Because you are blind.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? You kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?
A: Putting them back in their wheelchair.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Rabid cow.
Rabid cow who?
Hold on, I need to get my gun....
Rapist: "Get into the fucking van!"
Kid: "mi gniog ot tell ym momy"
Rapist: "Fine" (Grabs a white kid instead)
Roses are black, violets are black.
I’m colorblind.
Why do the Greeks and Romans like food? Because food is good for you.
Trump's medical records were just released. According to the brain scan, the left side of his brain has nothing right, while the right side has nothing left.
Why couldn't the kid with Down syndrome play football? Because he got all the downs.
So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.
My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.
So if I drink alcohol, you're an alcoholic. But if I drink Fanta, I’m fantastic.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"