Health jokes

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.

So if I drink alcohol, you're an alcoholic. But if I drink Fanta, I’m fantastic.

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"

TDS? More like STDs.

Why did the bone go on a blind date? He was bonely.

How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.

Stephen Hawking had a heart attack the year before his death.

They took him to PC World for repairs.

What is an obese lady's blood type?

Nutella.

It looks like your face was lit on fire and someone tried to extinguish it with a hammer!

Here in IHOP, we serve pancakes, not pie cakes. If so, we can always bring in a chart that will power the customer. His smile will remain at its current form, and police surely resisted when I said the word "surely."

My mama always told me, don't pick your nose or it will fall off! I thought she meant my nose.

Hey, give me a break! I'm a little shorthanded!

Oh no, not rock paper scissors again! I always lose. Come on guys, I just lost my finger a day ago! This is Tony, later on.

One of the reasons the skeleton was not allowed to play church music is because he had no organs.

"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!" "What's wrong with me!" "Calm down, calm down. Just pull yourself together!"

What is a fat boy's favorite karate move?

A pork chop.

Two pencils walking down the street.

Which one hasn’t got AIDS?

The one with the rubber on.

My hips can't move, but Heineken.

Cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer.

Friend: *hits head* Others: How many fingers am I holding up? Me to friend: How suicidal am I on a scale from one to ten? Friend: Ten Me: He's fine guys.