Health jokes
Two men were on a hike through a forest when one of the hikers got bit on his ass by a snake.
The other hiker ran to the village 2 miles away and explained to a doctor there what had happened. The doctor told him to cut a cross with a knife where he had been bitten and suck out the venom, so he ran back to the first hiker who asked him, "Have you got the cure?"
Hiker number two just said, "Nah mate, you're dead."
How do you make epileptic kids dance?
Throw a flash bang in their room.
What did the butt say to the other butt? "I got big fat apples for butt checks!"
I have had an obsession with soap. Don’t worry, I am all clean now!
What do you get if you do not eat? Dry.
What do you get if you eat sugar?
High.
My friend died by a truck, why can't I get run over?
Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.
Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.
I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.
Dark humor is like the plague; everyone was supposed to get it.
What part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?
The wheelchair.
Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?
What's the name of a cannibal's favorite all-you-can-eat buffet? Planned Parenthood!
Why did the skeleton not go to the dance?
Because he had no BODY to go with!
A girl looked in the fridge. She got mad that somebody ate the last ice cream cone. She ran into her sister's room and said, "This is why you're fat!" Then fell down the stairs. Good thing she had that belly roll to save her.
What does a girl get after having sex with Batman?
Defective rabies.
Mom: They say our kid neighbor has blue blood.
Son: Really?
Also 2 hours later:
Son: Mom, the kid doesn't have blue blood.
Mom: Son, I-
A woman is in the hospital giving birth. The doctor comes up to her afterwards.
Dr: "I'm sorry, I have good news and bad news."
Woman: "What's the bad news?"
Dr: "Your baby is Ginger!"
Woman: "Ok, so what's the good news?"
Dr: "It's dead!"
Two lepers playing cards... one threw his hand in; the other laughed his head off.