You know what's the worst about having a daughter with cancer?
You can't pull her hair when you hit it from the back.
Health Jokes
What did the Army soldier say after he got his legs fixed?
Afgan-I-Stand.
Stop joking with cancer.
- From a survivor :)
Last time Kenny ate a vegetable, he got banned from his mom's nursing home.
(pre-election 2016) Trump Hating Comedian at seedy East L.A. comedy club -
"Hey how 'bout that Donald Trump chump... what the fuck up with that dude, man?
"Geeeezus, he got some kuh-razy ass shit spewing endlessly out that pie-hole, 24/8!" (< leap week, muthafukas!)
. . . "I mean, even his last name rhymes with shit that's synonymous for bein' fucked up, for instance ....
STUMP: TEENY DICK
BUMP: TINY TIT
GUMP: DIMWITTED MOVIE IDIOT GUY
MUMP: A FUCKED UP CHILDREN'S DISEASE
LUMP: IF IT'S MALIGNANT, YOU'RE KINDA FUCKED
UMP: OFTEN MAKES TERRIBLE CALLS
RUMP: AN ASS
DUMP: A PILE OF SHIT THAT CAME OUT OF AN ASS
HUMP: SOMETHING DADDY DID TO HIM DAILY THROUGHOUT CHILDHOOD
PUMP: SEE "HUMP"
. . . and last, but definitely not least --
JUMP: JUMP INTO A DEEP VAT 'O SCAT MOTHER FUCKER, AND GO STRAIGHT TO HELL BITCH!! ....
HA! HA! HA! HA! YESSS!!
.... well boys and girls, that's gonna be about it for me, as I think my explosive diarrhea is about ready to take a big turn for the worse!"
......(splort!, plop!, drip!)........ OOOOPS! 'snif, snif'........
..... ewwwwww!!
(audience growing uneasy and unruly)
"Fuhhk! ... I better go now, 'cause I just went! ... ha! ha! ha! ...... Yikes!!
GOOD NIGHT LAZIES, AND GERBILMEN! PLEASE DRIVE RECKLESSLY!
(curtain drops)
(continuous laughter, guffaws, cheers, jeers, queers, beers, pants peeing, beaters beating, pepper sprayin', fists fuckin', guns poppin', blood pumpin')
"OH LORDY!!... I THINK HELL HATH FINALLY COMETH,
... AND ARMAGITTIN' THE FUCK OUTTA HEEE!!"
(one very quick curtain call, and swiftly out the back door to an awaiting taxi ............ with ALL the windows rolled down) Whew! ............ Amen.
Have you heard about the new Russian STD? Rottsmikokov.
What’s black and blue and doesn’t like to have sex?
A rape victim!
Yo momma so skinny, she wipes with floss!
Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because she felt peely!
What is black and white and red all over? A newspaper.
When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.
When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
What is black and white and red all over? A newspaper.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!
What’s the hardest part to eat on a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
What's red, six inches long, and made my girlfriend cry when I fed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted me and my dad and walk home from home and walk home and walk walk home.
What's the difference between sleeping pills and my beating my meat?
Sleeping pills actually come with a prescription.
Somebody stole my joke.
So I stole their spinal cord.
A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.
The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.
The man then got plastic prosthetics.
Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.
After much examination, the doctor found that the patient's pants were shedding color.
What do you call two Michael J. Fox's standing next to each other?
Parallel Parkinson's.
What’s the difference between an epileptic corn shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
The epileptic corn shucker “shucks between fits”...
