I have no toes, so I put blood on my foot, and then my other foot got run over, so, ye.
Health Jokes
Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?
Daughter: *tooth hurty*
Dad: All right.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."
Just shit my pants and it ran all down my legs... last time I eat at Popeyes.
What do kids call a balanced meal?
A hamburger in each hand! XD XD XD XD
My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.
That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Why should old women never eat seafood?
'Cause then she'll start acting crabby.
Q: Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake.
What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?
My heartbeat.
A seizure is just an excuse for break dancing.
Doctor: You need new glasses.
Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn't "peeling" well!
RICK: GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT OH GUESS WHAT MOTHERFUCKER OR IMMA SAY IT!!!!!!
Richard: What????
Rick: So before Donald Trump's impeachment, he said, "The Coronavirus will end on March 32nd 2021."
Richard: Your from planet Earth where there's a March 32nd. Enjoy it, *stupid dumb fuck brother*.
Rick: Oh I will.
*It was the day March 21st*
*9 Days later*
*March 31st*
Rick: oh I cant wait until tomorrow!!!!!!!!!! Ooh im so excited im gonna give my friends a big ole bro hug and hand shake i miss the muhfuckin dudes man
*one day later*
*He got his school uniform waiting for the bus not seeing it*
Rick:....... wai......Huh!?!?...... hol....up
BITCH IM AND IDIOT THERE IS NO MOTHERFUCKING MARCH 32ND THIS IS THE MOTHERFUCKING 1ST OF APRIL TRUMP DUMBASS
*Richard*
*oh he's the dumbass*
Where do depressed people go to eat?
Suicide Sonic.
Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.
Patient: It runs in the family.
Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.
Why did the Mexican take the tamale to the hospital?
Tamlito.
What do you call an injured person who doesn't want to play a game with you? A sore loser.
Yo momma is so fat, when she caught the flesh-eating bacteria, it gave up!
Why was the director injured?
He couldn't find the right cast!
