Health jokes
I used to have a phobia of pogo sticks. Those things always made me jump.
A man comes into the pharmacy to get a flu shot. The pharmacy nurse prepares one of the shots. The man gets the shot, and the nurse cleans the shot area.
The next day, the man comes back and gets another shot. Before he paid, the nurse said, “Don’t you realize if you get another shot you may die from overdose?” The man said, “Don’t you realize if you don’t shut up I’ll give you a shot of lead?” The nurse got scared and quit her job.
The nurse was relaxing, looking for a vacation to book, when all of a sudden she hears an odd noise. It sounds like someone cocking a gun. The man was hiding behind the nurses bushes. “In return for you giving me shots, here are yours,” said the man as he was chuckling like a psycho. The man shot the nurse in the leg so she couldn’t escape, then he shot her left hand, which is the lady’s dominant hand, so she couldn’t call the cops. For the finishing move, the man curb stomped the fucking life out of her until her head was as flat as paper.
9 years later......
All along, this man, this psycho, escaped a mental hospital. He went on mass genocide, killing 20,000 people in just 3 years. This man is more than human, more than alien, more than god himself. It was Satan reborn.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Doctor: Tomorrow is like John Cena, you won’t see it.
I asked my teacher if I needed to be in the special ED class, but she said I don’t eat enough vegetables.
Yo mama so fat, she died!
What's the difference between my dad cumming and cancer?
Nothing, they both stain.
What couldn’t the boy in the wheelchair do when he saw a bully? He couldn’t stand up for himself.
What can you catch but not throw?
A cold!
When a fat person steps on a scale, it says: “To be continued.”
When a fat person wants to kill themselves, why are they so worried? The diabetes will get to them sooner or later!
What did the blind deaf kid get for Christmas? Cancer.
I didn’t eat breakfast because I’m starving myself.
When you ask your friend if he thinks lunch is good, but he says that he doesn't taste anything.
I'm stumped.
Bro, you teeth are so yellow that you can't brush your teeth.
I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.
I have no toes, so I put blood on my foot, and then my other foot got run over, so, ye.
Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?
Daughter: *tooth hurty*
Dad: All right.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.