Health jokes
My grandpa died to ligma.
Ligma balls lol.
What is the hardest thing to eat on a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
"I know, you have a lot on your plate right now."
What did the doctor say to the Chinese patient? "Sum ting wong."
I eat cockroaches.
Yo mama so fat, she can't pick up a dumbbell... the dumbbell pick her up.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemon-aid.
What do you call a white person having a seizure?
A vanilla shake.
My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.
I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?
I went to McDonald's and I saw a line of fat people because they were selling free hamburgers.
What is an unborn baby's Olympic sport?
Dodge the coat hanger.
What is an unborn baby's Olympic sport?
Dodge the coat hanger!
What’s red, 11 inches, and makes my girlfriend cry when I slap her with it?
Her miscarriage.
Everyone, Alya is okay!!!!!!!!!! She got up, she can walk, and she can talk regular!!!!
What's the difference between dementia and a strawberry?
I don't know. I forgot.
You are so fat you tried to eat the word "edible."
Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.
But apparently there is something in your heart, so I already have scissors in my heart.
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.
Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.
It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.
Get your mind together!