Health jokes
Yo mama so fat they faked COVID-19 just to put a mask on her.
When you wear a big hat and your butt starts to splat diarrhea!
How do you know someone is going to die?
He can't stop coughing. (coffin)
What is the toughest part of the human body?
Anal hair, all the shit that they go through.
With great depression comes great antidepressants.
My willy was feeling itchy, so I decided to go to the doctor.
My doctor was foreign and spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. As I returned home, I noticed my willy was gone! Pessi stole my PENis thinking it was a Penalty just so he could statpad. SHAME ON YOU!
Sometime ago I went to the morgue and asked if they took walk-ins.
What are the four letters you don’t want to hear from a dentist?
I C D K
I can make a word with those: "DICK".
One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.
Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"
Why can't an orphan get a vaccine?
They need parental permission.
Me: I'm afraid of random letters.
Therapist: You are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: Oh, I see.
Me: [screaming intensifies]
What's worse than having a comedian as president? Having a president that has dementia.
What do you call an autistic kid if he was short?
A short tistic.
I'm sorry your dad beat you instead of cancer.
What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"
How do you stop constipation?
You scare the crap outta them.
(Crap is another word for poop.)
Q. What is Terri Schiavo's favorite Eminem song?
A. "Till I Collapse."
Doctor: Congratulations!!!
Woman: Was it a successful delivery?
Doctor: No, it’s DiGiorno!
Anthony Blinken's life sucks, and getting COVID-19 positive is the only positive thing that ever happened in his entire life!
Rory Burrows is dyslexic.