Guy

Guy jokes

Man

    • Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

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    • Flash

    • Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"

    Bob responds, "No, I haven't. Do they call him that because he runs fast?"

    Jeff replies, "Nah, they call him that because he doesn't wear pants."

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    • Guy memes

    Sex

    • A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

    His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

    The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

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    • Psychiatrist

    • A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”

    The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”

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    • Rope

    • I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)

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    • Calendar

    • Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

    Spiderman: "Yes."

    Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

    Spiderman: "Why?"

    Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

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    • Necrophilia

    • So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

    When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

    He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

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    • Polar Bear

    • Can anyone answer this riddle? Apparently this is the world's hardest riddle! Good luck 😝

    “I turn polar bears white, and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee, and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid, and normal people look like celebrities.”

    Street

    • I remember waving at this guy in the street. The a**hole didn't wave back... Come to think of it, he was also swinging around a weird stick.

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    • Man

    • I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.

    Then I was even sadder, because that lucky guy didn't even *need* shoes!

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    • Drink

    • I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

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