Guy jokes

It's been 2 years since I've been on this. Hello, guys!

Q. If a pedophile, necrophile, and a guy who is into incest are all sitting in a car, who's driving?

A. A police officer.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

Bro sat down too close for comfort. I told him to move or he would get hurt.

Come on, how hard could it possibly be To move a few inches? You’re touching my D.

A guy really needs his personal space. Disobey and I’ll shove it in your face.

What do you call a guy with no body and nose?

No body nose

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg?

He's all right.

Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?

He was a great veterinarian.

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

I feel bad for the guy in 9/11 who ordered a salami pizza. Instead, he just got a plane.

Hey, guy, you suck! Why do I suck? Because you're the one that's sucking juice out of a straw.

What's an orphan's least favorite T.V. show?

Family Guy.

Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?

I guess it really IS all in the execution.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

What do you call two guys fighting over a slut?

Tug of whore.

This guy goes to a bar and pulls out a little guy playing the piano. The bartender asks him where he got a small man with a piano.

The guy points outside to a genie granting people wishes. The bartender runs out and 1 million ducks appear.

The bartender yells at the genie saying, “Are you fucking deaf? I asked for 1 million bucks, not 1 million bucks!”

The guy from the bar says, “No shit! You think I really asked for a 12-inch pianist?”

What's the worst possible thing to be playing during the funeral of a bridge-collapse victim?

Fall Guys.

Hear about the guy who dipped his nuts in glitter?

Pretty nuts!

Why did the gay guy say the n word? Cos he's retarded.

I moved so much stone today.

I feel like a guy from Palestine looking for his wife.

Why did the guy bring a rope to the party?

Because he wanted to hang out... permanently. 💀😈