Girlfriend

Girlfriend jokes

Difference

What is the difference between a rock and my girlfriend?

One is rock hard, and the other is Dwayne Johnson.

Sex

Girlfriend after sex: How did you get so good at eating pussy?

Boyfriend: My mom taught me.

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  • Button

    It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.

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  • Message

    One day I was on my phone, then I got a text message from my girlfriend, "Hey, sexy boy, wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean...?" Then I just stopped and froze. I read the message. I said, "Yeah, sure..." She replied really fast, "There's going to be a few people there, ok." But I didn't read the next message... She said, "Come right at 12:00 AM." But I didn't read it. I walked into her house, but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise, and it sounded like HER!! So I hid behind the couch, and I looked through the open door and saw something I didn't want to see... Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!

    Sex

    TFW you're having sex with your German girlfriend and she won't stop telling you her age.

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  • Cannibal

    Imagine this... you're a lesbian, and you're doing it with your cannibal girlfriend. You say, "Eat me, baby!"

    She pulls out a knife and fork.

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  • Nutshell

    For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

    But that’s just me in a nutshell.

    Helmet

    Boyfriend: "Babe, are you traffic police?"

    Girlfriend: "No."

    Boyfriend: "Then why do you shout at me for not wearing a helmet?"

    Money

    My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

    Watermelon

    My girlfriend is growing watermelons, not in the ground though (we had fun that night)!

    Game

    My girlfriend was cheating in Uno.

    She's not the only one who can play that game.

    Penaldo

    I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!

    Lipstick

    The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

    Sex

    When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.

    Sex

    How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

    Call and tell her about it.