Girlfriend jokes

What is the difference between a rock and my girlfriend?

One is rock hard, and the other is Dwayne Johnson.

Girlfriend after sex: How did you get so good at eating pussy?

Boyfriend: My mom taught me.

It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.

One day I was on my phone, then I got a text message from my girlfriend, "Hey, sexy boy, wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean...?" Then I just stopped and froze. I read the message. I said, "Yeah, sure..." She replied really fast, "There's going to be a few people there, ok." But I didn't read the next message... She said, "Come right at 12:00 AM." But I didn't read it. I walked into her house, but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise, and it sounded like HER!! So I hid behind the couch, and I looked through the open door and saw something I didn't want to see... Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!

TFW you're having sex with your German girlfriend and she won't stop telling you her age.

Imagine this... you're a lesbian, and you're doing it with your cannibal girlfriend. You say, "Eat me, baby!"

She pulls out a knife and fork.

Why can't I get a girlfriend?

Because I'm a beta male simp.

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

Boyfriend: "Babe, are you traffic police?"

Girlfriend: "No."

Boyfriend: "Then why do you shout at me for not wearing a helmet?"

I don't need a girlfriend, 'cause I got my cousin, bro.

What do you call a downy who can't get a girlfriend?

Down bad.

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

My girlfriend is growing watermelons, not in the ground though (we had fun that night)!

I broke up with my emo girlfriend yesterday, look who came crawling back!

My girlfriend was cheating in Uno.

She's not the only one who can play that game.

I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!

Hey selfish king, I see you need a girlfriend ;)

The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.