Girlfriend jokes

I don't need a girlfriend, 'cause I got my cousin, bro.

I broke up with my emo girlfriend yesterday, look who came crawling back!

What do you call a downy who can't get a girlfriend?

Down bad.

My girlfriend was cheating in Uno.

She's not the only one who can play that game.

Hey selfish king, I see you need a girlfriend ;)

The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

I like my dynamite like I like my woman: hot and ready to explode.

My girlfriend got COVID.

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"

How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?

Call her on the phone.

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes his butt.

Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents' room, catching them having sex, so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! We’re just uh, making cake,” and they send him away.

So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother’s room, so he walks in and catches his brother and his brother’s girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! We're making cake!”

So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! How'd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.

My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.

What’s the difference between a loser and a paper?

A girl actually dates the paper.

When do you go on red and stop at green?

A watermelon.