Girlfriend Jokes

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

What did the autistic kid say to his girlfriend after they broke up?

"I thought what we had was special!"

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

I like my dynamite like I like my woman: hot and ready to explode.

Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:

"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."

Your girlfriend/boyfriend says: "I'm dating your uncle..." You start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?

Call her on the phone.

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes his butt.

Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents' room, catching them having sex, so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! We’re just uh, making cake,” and they send him away.

So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother’s room, so he walks in and catches his brother and his brother’s girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! We're making cake!”

So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! How'd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.

911 what's your emergency?

Me: Officer, my girlfriend is dead!

Operator: What happened!?

Me: She bit the tip.

What’s the difference between a loser and a paper?

A girl actually dates the paper.

My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.

When do you go on red and stop at green?

A watermelon.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

Guess the joke.

Your girlfriend.

When your girlfriend says it is too small, you say, "Just enjoy the small thing."

My girlfriend used to give the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.