I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.
What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.
Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents' room, catching them having sex, so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! We’re just uh, making cake,” and they send him away.
So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother’s room, so he walks in and catches his brother and his brother’s girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! We're making cake!”
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! How'd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.
911 what's your emergency?
Me: Officer, my girlfriend is dead!
Operator: What happened!?
Me: She bit the tip.
My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.
What’s the difference between a loser and a paper?
A girl actually dates the paper.
When do you go on red and stop at green?
A watermelon.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
guess the joke
your girlfriend
When your girlfriend says it is too small, you say, "Just enjoy the small thing."
My girlfriend used to give the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.
I was making holy water and my girlfriend walked in saying what are you doing and I said making holy water and she said how are you making holy water I'm boiling the h#ll out of it
Girlfriend: You remind me of a cell phone.
Girlfriend's ex: Why?
Girlfriend: Because you're about to die.
My girlfriend's pregnant. I'm 13. She was raped.
There were two twin brothers, Lucas and Marcus. Marcus got a girlfriend while Lucas stayed single.
A few weeks later, Lucas was caught kissing Marcus's girlfriend, and Marcus comes over and says: "Babe, I know we're twins, but I'm Marcus, and that's Lucas you were kissing." And his girlfriend looks at him and says: "I know."
My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has disappeared.
I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy--and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.
