Girlfriend jokes

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?

One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

What is the difference between a broom and a mop?

It’s hard to beat my girlfriend when she’s holding the mop.

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

My girlfriend used to give the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.

I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.

When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.

What's one thing that you can say about a train, but not your girlfriend?

What did the autistic kid say to his girlfriend after they broke up?

"I thought what we had was special!"

My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."

I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮‍💨

My girlfriend got COVID.

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.