Girlfriend jokes

My girlfriend's name is Candice.

Can these nuts fit in your mouth? :D

My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me eating a banana with my butt........

IMAGINE!

One day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy, then they heard a sound from the bushes. Instead of looking down, they both ran.

Two years later, they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial. They asked him if he has ever been caught. He said, "No, but a couple was walking as soon as I killed a girl. I jumped into a bush. They didn't know I was there, but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down, then he and his girlfriend ran."

My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,

"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

My name, my address, and my phone number.

"Knock, knock!""Who's there?""Abby."

"Abby who?""Your Mexican girlfriend."

Why can't orphans have a girlfriend?

They have no one to call "daddy."

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.

A 7-foot-tall man walks into a restaurant with his 4-foot-tall girlfriend, and the maitre d' says to the waiter, “He must be nuts over her.”

A guy starts texting a cute girl and asks her to give him her phone number so he can call her. The girl says, "OK, but you have to transfer mobile balance to my number. Then I am gonna be your girlfriend and will meet you somewhere." He transfers her the balance and calls her, but it turns out the girl was actually a guy making him a fool. He blocked him.

The next day, he was very angry about himself being a fool, so he thought he'd do the same. He makes a fake girl account and starts texting with some random guy, and then he asks that guy to send him balance. Suddenly, his father came into his bedroom and asked, "Son, can you send me some balance? I am gonna send you cash after sometime." That guy looks at his father with suspicious eyes, and then he calls that random number. Suddenly his father's phone starts ringing......

My girlfriend calling me: I'm home alone ;)

Me: I know, you always are...

Do you know what's the difference between a knife and a girl's argument?

A knife has a point.

How am I an ableist? My ex-girlfriend was in a wheelchair, and we lived in the same old building with a broken elevator. I ended the relationship by moving to the 8th floor.

What do you call a girlfriend in the mirror?

(Your imagination.)

I took my girlfriend to the beach, and a marine biologist thought she was a beluga whale.

You're so hot when your girlfriend tries to suck your cock, it burns her mouth.

I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.

I saw my girlfriend walking by. I told her, "Wow, you look so beautiful!" and then we started to talk. Then someone came behind me. She said, "What are you doing?" I said, "I'm flirting," and I remember I was talking to my mom, and my girlfriend was HER MOM, which is my sister, but my girlfriend/sister IS MY WIFE, but my mom is my wife too. Looks like I'm getting a divorced but which one, my girlfriend [or] my mom?

How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?

You have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth.

Sorry.