Gift jokes
What color flowers do mama cats like to get?
Purrrrrrrple flowers.
What’s it called when you give an emo some rope as a present?
Murder.
My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.
But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Answer: cancer.
One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.
What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?...
We don't know; she hasn't opened it yet.
I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.
When your brother sends you to go get a box of condoms for his b-day. (* *)
What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"
Why was Stephen Hawking disappointed when he got his Christmas present? It was singing lessons.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.
But that’s just me in a nutshell.
I bought this happy birthday card for this orphan.
To: The Orphan
From: ______
I saw a kid with no phone. I gave him an iPhone 14.
Except it had no home button.
Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.
Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"
Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*
When your mom tells you there's a present in the laundry room,
The present: Laundry.
*gunshot*
Poultry rape is no joke. It is God's gift to those who want a laugh.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."