Gift jokes
What’s it called when you give an emo some rope as a present?
Murder.
My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.
But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"
When you get suspended from school for giving the deaf kid AirPods for his birthday.
What does a bad friend give a blind kid for his birthday?
Give him a gun and tell him it's a hairdryer.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Answer: cancer.
One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.
What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?...
We don't know; she hasn't opened it yet.
I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.
When your brother sends you to go get a box of condoms for his b-day. (* *)
What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"
Why was Stephen Hawking disappointed when he got his Christmas present? It was singing lessons.
Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.
I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."
Putin: You came from the West and showered me with gifts.
Trump: And your prostitutes, they showered me with piss.
Poultry rape is no joke. It is God's gift to those who want a laugh.
You want to know why Santa brings such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.
Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"
Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*