What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?...
We don't know; she hasn't opened it yet.
One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.
I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
When your brother sends you to go get a box of condoms for his b-day. (* *)
What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"
Why was Stephen Hawking disappointed when he got his Christmas present? It was singing lessons.
What do you call a blond with half a brain? Gifted.
Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"
Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.
But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Your mom is so fat, when she asked, "What gift will I get?" Abuela from Encanto said, "Definitely Taco Bell!" 🌮🔔
Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.
When your mom tells you there's a present in the laundry room,
The present: Laundry.
*gunshot*
I saw a kid with no phone. I gave him an iPhone 14.
Except it had no home button.
I bought this happy birthday card for this orphan.
To: The Orphan
From: ______
Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.
I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Poultry rape is no joke. It is God's gift to those who want a laugh.
You want to know why Santa brings such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year.
To spite Santa and Greta Thunberg, I'm burning the coal I got for Christmas.
