What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"
Why was Stephen Hawking disappointed when he got his Christmas present? It was singing lessons.
To spite Santa and Greta Thunberg, I'm burning the coal I got for Christmas.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.
But that’s just me in a nutshell.
I bought this happy birthday card for this orphan.
To: The Orphan
From: ______
When your mom tells you there's a present in the laundry room,
The present: Laundry.
*gunshot*
Your mom is so fat, when she asked, "What gift will I get?" Abuela from Encanto said, "Definitely Taco Bell!" 🌮🔔
I saw a kid with no phone. I gave him an iPhone 14.
Except it had no home button.
Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.
Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"
Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*
What do you call a blond with half a brain? Gifted.
Poultry rape is no joke. It is God's gift to those who want a laugh.
Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.
I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.
"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.
"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.
And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."
A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,
"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."
To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."
To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"
What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?
Nothing because they can't open the gift.
I went home and I saw my friend kissing my sister. I said, "What’s going on?" They both told me that they’re going out with each other. I said, "Alright."
The next morning, I see my friend kissing my mom. I said, "What’s going here?" They both told me they’re going out with each other. Then my friend said to me, "I gave you 3 gifts. 1 gift, I’m your best friend. 2 gift, I’m your new brother-in-law. 3 gift, I’m your new stepfather." I felt so happy I had a friend that [is] looking out for me.
What did Sally get for her 18th birthday? A brick.
Why did she get a brick? She hit 18.
What did the girl get for Christmas?
Cancer.
My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.
