Billy got a bike and a soccer ball for his birthday from his uncle, but he was very upset. Why? Because he has no legs.
So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.
He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.
A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex. The poor guy asks the rich guy "what'd you get for your wife today?" The rich guy replies " I got her a diamond ring and a mercedes" The poor guy asks "Why did you get two gifts for her?" Rich guy says "If she doesn't like the diamond ring then she can return it in her mercedes" Rich guy asks the poor guy " what'd you get for your wife" Poor guy says " I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo" Rich guy asks "why did you get two gifts for her?" The poor guy says " If she doesnt like the slippers then she can go fuck herself. "
What did the blind kid say after receiving a cheese grater for Christmas?
"This is the most violent book I’ve ever read."
My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."
I gave a gun to a blind person and told them it was a hair dryer.
I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.
Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.
You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!
What kind of shirts does Sally's parents get her?
Long sleeves.
My mom bought me a car, and she called me an ungrateful b*tch because I sat in my wheelchair the whole time.
"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.
what night an aborted child want for Christmas ..... a home that isnt a bin
Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?
My mom gave me a box of chocolates and she said life is like a box of chocolates but then it kind of tastes like dog shit.
One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.
Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"
"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"
"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."
Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."
Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"
Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."
Man: "Okay. Let's do it."
So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.
After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"
Man: "I am 35 years old."
Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"
What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?
Condoms!
Santa gives a boy a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas. This upsets the boy. Why?
Answer: He has no legs. The boy has no legs.
We should enjoy the present while it's here. Do you know why they call it the present? Because it's a gift.
