Get jokes

How are apples and orphans different?

Apples get picked.

How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?

You pay the ice cream man to keep on driving. IDK.

Little Johnny went up to his mom and said: "Can I have some milk?"

He waited for three hours to get an answer.

His mom finally said: "No, your dad still isn't back with it."

For this orphan, his dad didn't only go and get the milk. His mom did too.

When you get mad, just punch an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their mom?

Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it.

How did the burglar get into my house?

Intruder window.

English: It's the story of two potatoes, one gets mashed and the other screams “Oh mash!”

French: C’est l’histoire de deux pommes de terre. Une d’elles se fait écraser et l’autre s’écrie “Oh purée!”

What does an orphan and a banana have in common? They both get split up.

Q. What do you get when you cross a mentally disabled person with a pedophile? A. Jeffy Epstein.

If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a homeless shelter?

You can shit a load inside of a prostitute, but if you try it in a shelter, you get arrested.

Every time someone calls me fat, I get so depressed I cut myself... a piece of cake.

Why are orphans so happy on Christmas? Because they might get a family.

How are peppers 🌶 so nosey?

They get jalapeño business.

What time is it when you get home, can you walk home and walk?

Mother: How is my little cookie doing?

Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.

Mother: Really?

Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

Mother: 😁♥️🍪

What do you call getting gonorrhea from a disabled person?

A slow clap.

Me: Hey, how are you?

Depression: I'm doing fine. We are just looking for a home :3

Insomnia: Mommy, can we get a home?

Anxiety: Insomnia, wait for mommy to finish.

Depression: Anyway, here is my resume!

Me: Okie, thank you. Ok... mhmmm... WOW! Okie, this is a nice resume! (Didn't Read it...)

Depression: Also, I have two more friends that want to move in too!

Me: Ok, and their names?

Depression: Their names are: PTSD and Trauma!

Me: Ok, they seem fine (Doesn't know about them)

Depression: Okie, here is the money (a penny :(). Thank you, we will call you if we need anything.

Me: Ok, see you soon! :3

Me now hates my life. :)

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.

The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."