Get jokes
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
What's the difference between a blonde and a car door? The harder you slam the blonde, the looser it gets.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
What is the difference between a zebra and a female NCO?
A zebra didn't have to suck and fuck to get its stripes.
If an orphan gets a girlfriend, they finally have someone to love them.
What was the chip doing at the hairdressers?
It was getting a crinkle cut.
Why do prepubescent orphan girls love pedophiles? Because they get to call someone “Daddy”.
Yo mama so fat, she had to get baptized at SeaWorld!
Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"
She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"
"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."
Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."
How can you get 3 homos to sit on one barstool?
Turn it upside down.
When it comes to mosquitoes in Africa, should you feel bad that they're getting AIDS from their victims?
Muslims don't need weed, they've got the Koran.
You burn that sh*t and you're gonna get stoned.
How do you get a cow to eat?
Give it mooshrooms!
House parties are like churches: there's always an underage kid getting fucked somewhere.
I said to the emo girl, "She gets jealous every time her phone dies."
How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?
Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work…
"Number 15: Burger King foot lettuce. The last thing you want in your Burger King burger is someone's foot fungus, but as it turns out, that might be what you get."
There was once a kid named Timmy. His father and mother went to bed one night and didn't hear or see Timmy come with them.
They all get under the covers. Timmy, still unnoticed, looks under the covers and lets out a blood-curdling scream. "MOMMY, WATCH OUT! THERE IS A SNAKE GOING INTO YOUR BIG BLACK HAIRY BUSH!" And he proceeds to say, "DON'T WORRY MOMMY, I'LL GET IT!" And he takes his father's penis in his mouth and chomps down.
Now I want you to think what their breakfast conversation was the next morning.
What does an orphan and a military man not have in common? Neither gets to go back home.