Get jokes
What record did Obama prove during his presidency?
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.
What does gum in my d*ck have in common?
Both get chewed on by little kids.
How do you get a depressed kid out of a tree? You cut the rope.
Why does Yoda like to get molested? Because he likes the Force.
Why do orphans enjoy playing tennis?
It's the only way they’ll get love.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they can’t get a home run.
Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!
Officer: You OK, kid?
Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.
Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*
When officer leaves:
Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?
Roses are red, violets are blue, get the f*ck out, I’m trying to poo!
Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
If a wizard gets robbed by a muggle, has he been muggled?
What time is it when you get home and you walk, walk home and walk, walk home?
Why did the one-armed man cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Get a head in life by decapitating someone.
A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.
The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."
The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."
How do you get a cow to eat?
Give it mooshrooms!
What do you get when you cross Bill Cosby and Jeffrey Epstein?
Predator 2.
Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The terrorists both say, "A beer."
The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"
One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"
What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?
An erection!
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.
I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"
I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"