Me and my friend went to the park, after a while we grabbed our little princess and said "it's time to go sweetie" but before we could go someone said "stop them they have my daughter!"
Me: I kiss my mom on the lips Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor- Me: Lower lips Friend: I gotta go
My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.
I told them “because I’m such a noose-ance.”
I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store just to take me with him and scan my wrist.
A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friends house after hooking up. "Was it hung?" her friend asks. "No he was shot."
my friend: you really need to stop the sh jokes Me: But their not that long
My friends: ugh why are you so lazy and no fun My parents: why can't u be like ur siblings My teacher: I don't care if ur depressed focus on ur study! The songs: we understand you :)
An American and an Asian walk into a bar. What are your names the bartender asks. The American says William Matthews. The Asian says Same Ting
Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday Friend: What were the tests about? Me: Japan
i was talking to my friend and he said "I lost my virginity to a girl and then she stopped coming to school" and I said "probably because she was fired"
My friends mother thought a kid who had autism and downsyndrome. He called him a “double down”
My friend and I were joking about a wheelchair kid and another kid came up and said to the wheel chair kid you should stand up for your self
so I and my friend were talking this time, I asked them what they would do if they ever met rengoku they said that they would probably like shake his hand or sm but I said I would lick his forehead. wtf
I was playing Mortal Kombat with my friend when he picked the fighter Pristiano Penaldo. I won and the voice didn't say "Finish him", so i couldn't do a fatality. I was confused but i understood that the game didn't let me finish him because he is already finished.
A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,
"Jenny and Jonathan sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, the comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
Q: What did the cannibal shout when his friend fell on the floor?
A: "FIVE SECOND RULE!"
My freind said he wanted to die and I told him not to jump but when he screamed hi im jhonny Knoxville and welcome to jackass I knew it was over
I saw my friend hang themselves my response was i guess they wanted to hang with someone
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
