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My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa, I asked “Why is it because he gives people presents?” Jimmy told me “No it’s because I hear so many good things about him but and how he’s gonna come home, but never see him.”

So my friends birthday is in a couple of day’s, and I was wondering what to get him. He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers’

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

i told my friend to watch naruto, it’s been a week since i’ve seen him. Hope he comes back in one piece

My best friend ran away with my wife I really miss him

“Why don’t you want to taco 'bout it?” “Cause I’m nacho friend anymore.”

One day a man was fixing a car, an he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, “hmm, this tastes pretty good!” So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like “dude, this can’t be healthy.” But he said “Don’t worry. I can STOP anytime.”

What do you call a friendly noise? A sound wave

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult “I know the whole truth” they will be all weird so he went home and told his mom “I know the whole truth” and she gave him 20$ and said to keep quiet. Pleased when his dad got home he said “I know the whole truth” and his dad gave him 40$ an said don’t tell mom. really pleased he met the mailman the next day and said “I know the whole truth” then the mailman got down on his knee opened his arms and said come to daddy.

A man was mowing his lawn when blue and reg stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read

My friend said onions only cry so that’s why I threw a coconut at him

When a asteroid is coming to kill us all: 98.9% of the population: OMG WERE ALL GONNA DIE 1% of the population: eh… I neber had any friends anyway. Alia: ROLL THE INTRO

Dad: “Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?”

Son: “Nah, mostly men.”

Dad: “Do you think you’d be comfortable telling that to a judge in court…”

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

I caught my sister licking up and down and deep throat a banana. I said why are you doing that for. I’m doing it for practice for your friends.

One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail-mix. I guess you could say I f...ing ate a different kind of nut

What did the salad say to pineapple

Lettuce be friends

My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.

There was a boy called John that had no arms or legs and his friends knocked on for him asking his mam if he is coming out to play armies. His mam replies saying that he can’t play armies because he has no arms or legs. His friends say I know he isnt actually playing we are using him as a sandbag.