This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult “I know the whole truth” they will be all weird so he went home and told his mom “I know the whole truth” and she gave him 20$ and said to keep quiet. Pleased when his dad got home he said “I know the whole truth” and his dad gave him 40$ an said don’t tell mom. really pleased he met the mailman the next day and said “I know the whole truth” then the mailman got down on his knee opened his arms and said come to daddy.

A friend asked me, “Where are you going?”

I answered, “6 feet underground.”

Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday Friend: What were the tests about? Me: Japan

me and my friend were roasting each other she : you look like a reese’s cup me:your so old your pubic hairs are 50 shades of gray

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa, I asked “Why is it because he gives people presents?” Jimmy told me “No it’s because I hear so many good things about him but and how he’s gonna come home, but never see him.”

“Why don’t you want to taco 'bout it?” “Cause I’m nacho friend anymore.”

There was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

There was a boy called John that had no arms or legs and his friends knocked on for him asking his mam if he is coming out to play armies. His mam replies saying that he can’t play armies because he has no arms or legs. His friends say I know he isnt actually playing we are using him as a sandbag.

A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says “oh my god your shoulders are broad!” another woman says “are you sure it’s a woman?”

Me and my friend were duck hunting. He shot 5 ducks in one shot. Then he shot by accident and yelled “DUCK!” then “MOTHERDUCKER!”. Then ducks came down and one by one bit him.

What did the orphan get for Christmas? Lego figures from his friend but they ran way too.

I was with my blind friend, and he’s telling me “Yeah I can read braille”. So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read “Screw you, asshole”

I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff

They died of happiness and a 30 story fall

my new girl friend is a porn star she would probably kill me if she found out

I love fire. My friends love it too. When i set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.

One day a man was fixing a car, an he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, “hmm, this tastes pretty good!” So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like “dude, this can’t be healthy.” But he said “Don’t worry. I can STOP anytime.”

What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends I milk a cow and it took awhile for it to warm up and his brother came over and said we don’t have cows we have Bulls

When a asteroid is coming to kill us all: 98.9% of the population: OMG WERE ALL GONNA DIE 1% of the population: eh… I neber had any friends anyway. Alia: ROLL THE INTRO

What’s the worse thing about having a congolese friend?

He always needs a hand.

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