Friend jokes

Why are we depressed? Is it because of that bully in your school, or because you have acne? How about when you listen to your sad song playlist? Maybe it's because you have no friends? Or is it the fact your anime girlfriend is fake? T^T

I call my friends Dodo birds. Because they don't exist.

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.

Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."

F is for friends who don't talk to you.

U is for Ur alone.

N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."

Q: What did the cannibal shout when his friend fell on the floor?

A: "FIVE SECOND RULE!"

Slapped cheese on my white friend, told him I like cheese on my crackers.

What do you call a kid with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

Your friend walks up to you and shows you a picture of an overweight woman.

What would you rate this woman?

A 7.

Why?

Because 7 ate 9!

How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

Why does the mushroom 🍄 have many friends?

Because it’s a fungi.

My friend's mother thought a kid who had autism and Down syndrome called him a "double down."

Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday.

Friend: What were the tests about?

Me: Japan.

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

Friend: Wanna hear a joke?

Other Friend: Sure.

Friend: Pussy.

Other Friend: I don't get it.

Friend: And you never will.

My friend asks for a turkey burger on 4th of July. I say, "That's Thanksgiving, man!"