Friend jokes
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It picks cotton.
If I place a slide on the edge of a cliff or a really high building, would going down it be considered "suislide"?
Asking for a friend.
Why did Steven Hawking have no friends?
He couldn’t stand anyone...
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
I have no friends, but then I realize my true friends are anxiety and depression.
Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.
We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.
My blind friend is so annoying, he kept bumping into things even though I repeatedly told him to look where he was going.
Friend: *hits head* Others: How many fingers am I holding up? Me to friend: How suicidal am I on a scale from one to ten? Friend: Ten Me: He's fine guys.
My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.
What did the salad say to pineapple?
"Lettuce be friends."
Why does the ice cream have so many friends?
Because he’s cool.
I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.
This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.
Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."
What is killing your friend called?
A homie-side.
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
Best friend: Dude, your sister is hot, I'd hit that.
Me: Already did. SWEET HOME ALABAMA
Why are we depressed? Is it because of that bully in your school, or because you have acne? How about when you listen to your sad song playlist? Maybe it's because you have no friends? Or is it the fact your anime girlfriend is fake? T^T