“I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.”

So I asked a Chinese woman for her number, she said "sex, sex, sex, free sex tonight ." Her friend said “No, it’s 666-3629.”

What do you call a skeleton with no friends BONELY

my new girl friend is a p... star she would probably kill me if she found out

I told my friend yesterday he’s literally my dad.

He didn’t show up for the rest of the year.

I was talking to my welsh friend the other day and he suddenly started talking welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke

My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn’t get what he wanted. I told me friend there’s a new attraction a few states away he could take him too. Confused my friend asked me what it was. I told him “The Sandyhook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a ‘hole’ lot of fun.”

My friend was pissed of with me. I was sniffing his sisters knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa, I asked “Why is it because he gives people presents?” Jimmy told me “No it’s because I hear so many good things about him but and how he’s gonna come home, but never see him.”

i told my friend to watch naruto, it’s been a week since i’ve seen him. Hope he comes back in one piece

“Why don’t you want to taco 'bout it?” “Cause I’m nacho friend anymore.”

What do a friend and a mouse have in common? They will both be angry if you throw bricks at them.

Most states:

“It’s ok, it won’t be awkward. We’re still friends.”

Alabama:

“She didn’t wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she’ll still be my sister.”

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy. But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

My friends hate when i make skeleton jokes.I guess i need to put more backbone into it.

To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That’s why she is my friend, after all! :D

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips Friend: Uh, I guess that’s somewhat nor- Me: Lower lips Friend: I gotta go

what do you call a kid with no friends? A Sandyhook survivor

What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.

My friend was a victim of a school shooting once but he couldnt tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his ar

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