I was pretty tight friends with my butt plug. But then we had a falling-out.
My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness. Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!"
I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover
Once my friend was saying something dumb and I was like I Campbell-eve you just said that.
My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends Chad just murdered his wife Claire and after doing that he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after My moms reply: Jesus Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess won’t he
I was playing football with my friends and i got tackled and got a penalty suddenly the ground started shaking and penaldo emerged from the mud and he till the penalty but since it wasn’t andorra he missed. Shame on you penaldo!
I: Get a boomerang type: Why? Me: Because for frisbee you need friends.
When you can’t see your adopted joke pop up it’s the same as asking your adopted friend where their parents are and never finding it
Friend #1: "Whats your favourite thing about trees?" Friend #2: "Apples" Me: "I can hang myself in them."
My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.
Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.
My only friend who actually cares: Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!
Me: Okay I’ll cut it out.
My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s jump at his funeral
I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes they said they will stop soon
A man was mowing his lawn when blue and reg stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.
“Why did Susie fall off the swing?” “Because she had no arms”
“Why could she get up off the ground?” “Because she had no friends”
“Knock knock” “Who’s there?” “Not Susie, she’s still on the ground”
“Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?” “Everywhere” “Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?” “Because it was in a different body bag”
“Why did Susie drop her ice cream?” “She was hit by a bus”
“Why did Susie fall off the swing?” “Someone threw a refrigerator at her”
What did the salad say to pineapple
Lettuce be friends
Two girls have a sleepover.
Karen: Let's go to bed. Lauren:Fine, but it's early. *Karen wakes up and exits room" *Lauren hears noise* Mikey: Your so much better than my girlfriend Karen. Lauren: *laughs* Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother Mikey*
Why is a gun like a box of chocolates? If you pull one out in class, everyone wants to be your friend.
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
