What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

Why did the noble gas cry?

Because all his friends Argon.

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband’s friend walks over and says,

“Jenny and Jonathan sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, the comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E.”

Why did Sally fall out of the swing She had no arms Why couldn’t she get up Because she had no friends.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friends pen, in the end he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chickens life

Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.

What do you call a skeleton with no friends BONELY

My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.

I should put a little more backbone into them.

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan : he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without paying and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again”. His friend agrees so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude’s pants, go to the bar and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, “Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!” The first guy says “Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!”

Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we’ll die.

We’re all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

10 Fun Facts

  1. You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
  2. You can’t count your hair.
  3. You can’t breath through your nose with your tongue out.
  4. You just tried number 3.
  5. When you did number 3, you realized it’s possible, only you look like a dog.
  6. You’re smiling right now because you were fooled.
  7. You skipped number 5.
  8. You just checked to see if there is a number 5.
  9. Share this with your friends to have some fun too :-)

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy. But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

I was talking to my welsh friend the other day and he suddenly started talking welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke

I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.

Me: I look up to you Friend: Wow, thanks! Me: But in general cuz your so tall

I told my friend yesterday he’s literally my dad.

He didn’t show up for the rest of the year.

A man was mowing his lawn when blue and reg stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.

To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That’s why she is my friend, after all! :D

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips Friend: Uh, I guess that’s somewhat nor- Me: Lower lips Friend: I gotta go

Why couldn’t Sally write with the pen? (Friend: Idk, why?) Because she had no arms. Why couldn’t Sally play Tennis? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Yes, she had no arms. Why did Sally fall off the swing? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) No, Joe pushed her. Why couldn’t Sally pick up the box? (Friend: Some weird guess) Because she had no arms. Why did sally drop her ice cream? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Because she got hit by a bus. Knock Knock. (Friend: Who’s there?) Not Sally.

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