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Why did Sally fall out of the swing She had no arms Why couldn’t she get up Because she had no friends.

I was with my blind friend, and he’s telling me “Yeah I can read braille”. So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read “Screw you, asshole”

I’m friends with only 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.

“I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.”

Why did the noble gas cry?

Because all his friends Argon.

Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we’ll die.

We’re all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.

A depressing but satisfying victory.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. – He was high on my list of priorities.

Me: I look up to you Friend: Wow, thanks! Me: But in general cuz your so tall

I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.

When the chair was invented, the inventor’s friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: ‘You might want to sit down for this.’

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair’s getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!

Husband: I bet you can’t say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time Wife: You have the biggest p.... out of all your friends

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain…

Me: So… You’re new? Depression: (I don’t know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading… You know… Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job… Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we’re friends! Me: Interesting… (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it’s problemos) Me: Well I think you’re signed up! I’ll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

My friend gave me sugar for my birthday, she thought it was cheap I thought it was pretty sweet

I asked my friend what their serial number was…he said Cheerios

To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That’s why she is my friend, after all! :D

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy. But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

I was talking to my welsh friend the other day and he suddenly started talking welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke

My friend was pissed of with me. I was sniffing his sisters knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward