Friend jokes

Q: What did the cannibal shout when his friend fell on the floor?

A: "FIVE SECOND RULE!"

Friends are like penguins.

If you stab a penguin, they die.

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends Argon.

Once my friend's bakery burned down... His business is toast.

My mom: "Dear, I don't know why your grandma is spending more time with her friend Carla, can you spy on her?"

Me: "Your mom gay lol."

My mom: "Don't talk about your grandma like that, you rude girl."

You: "Your mom gay lol."

There were three guys stranded on a desert island. Each was granted one wish by a genie that found them. The first guy said, "I wish to go back home." The second guy says the same, and the third guy said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

My friend has a dog who looks like cocoa. Her name is Cocoa!

Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday.

Friend: What were the tests about?

Me: Japan.

Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. That's my best friend.

What do you call a kid with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

A friend asked me, "Where are you going?" I answered, "6 feet underground."

I call my friends Dodo birds. Because they don't exist.

Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "congrats," but none of them touch the man's penis and say "well done?"

Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite." Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly." Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game." Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..." Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

When the chair was invented, the inventor's friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: "You might want to sit down for this."

Me: Have you ever went sky diving?

Friend: No.

Me: Well don't, it sucks.

Friend: Why?

Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.

How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.