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Friends are like penguins.

If you stab a penguin, they die.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words…

“Lazy.”

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms. Why couldn’t she get up? She had no friends. Knock Knock (Who’s there?) Not Sally…

Two friends who’ve been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday. The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, “If she doesn’t like the card I got her, then she can go f... herself!”

What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?

They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.

I should put a little more backbone into them.

my friend died from an allergic reaction.he gave me an EpiPen while he was dying so now i have something to remember him from.

Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.

My Japanese friend told me a Peral Harbor joke; I told him he bombed it

I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did

Friend:How dark is your humor? Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband’s friend walks over and says,

“Jenny and Jonathan sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, the comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E.”

me: have you ever went sky diving friend:No me:Well don’t it sucks friend:Why me:They gave me a parachute and I lived

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exersice. They got up into the air and Jim said, “okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want.” Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, “I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire.” Allyn said “what?” As he looked over at Jim.

my new girl friend is a p... star she would probably kill me if she found out

Me and my friend went to the park, after a while we grabbed our little princess and said “it’s time to go sweetie” but before we could go someone said “stop them they have my daughter!”

Why did potassium draw a tear that would consult in him crying?

Because all of his friends argon

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

What do you call a skeleton with no friends BONELY