My friends used to poke me at weddings and say “You’re next”. So I started poking them at funerals and saying “You’re next” to my friends.

Friends are like penguins.

If you stab a penguin, they die.

My friend gave me sugar for my birthday, she thought it was cheap I thought it was pretty sweet

Friend #1: “Yo guys, what’s the most unfair game you’ve ever played? For me it’s Fortnite.”

Friend #2: “I’d have to say Monopoly.”

Me: “The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it’s a one-way game.”

Friend #2: “Uhh…that’s not exactly what he meant…”

Friend #1: calls the suicide hotline

What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?

They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

So I went to my friends funeral today, As we were all leaving a kid put a get well soon card next to my friends grave ‘poor kid’

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

My best friend ran away with my wife I really miss him

my friend died from an allergic reaction.he gave me an EpiPen while he was dying so now i have something to remember him from.

Why did the noble gas cry?

Because all his friends Argon.

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband’s friend walks over and says,

“Jenny and Jonathan sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, the comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E.”

knock knock who’s there? depression… that’s my best friend.

My friend was a victim of a school shooting once but he couldnt tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his ar

i have no friends but then i realize my true friends are anxiety and depression

I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. – He was high on my list of priorities.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

Best friend: dude your sister is hot i’d Hit that

Me: already did SWEEETT HOMMEE ALABAMA

me: have you ever went sky diving friend:No me:Well don’t it sucks friend:Why me:They gave me a parachute and I lived

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