Friend jokes

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...

no one could tell that it was their blood.

Last night I remember partying with friends to find blood on my nightstand.

Moments after, I scolded my friends to put my alarm clock back where they found it.

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

F is for friends who don't talk to you.

U is for Ur alone.

N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.

I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.

A depressing but satisfying victory.

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

Friend 1: What's the most disappointing thing that ever happened to you? For me, repeating a year.

Friend 2: Failing an important test. And you?

Then there is me: My life.

Friend: *hits head* Others: How many fingers am I holding up? Me to friend: How suicidal am I on a scale from one to ten? Friend: Ten Me: He's fine guys.

My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.

The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."

What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?

They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

Best friend: Dude, your sister is hot, I'd hit that.

Me: Already did. SWEET HOME ALABAMA

Why did the noble gas cry?

Because all his friends Argon.

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

Friend: Wanna hear a joke?

Other Friend: Sure.

Friend: Pussy.

Other Friend: I don't get it.

Friend: And you never will.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

I don't have any friends.

If you like this, I can be your friend :)

Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

Why could she not get back up? Because she had no friends.

Knock knock? Who's there? Not Susie...