Friend jokes

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.

Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, "Now were not even allowed to do that."

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."

His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"

Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."

Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."

I would never kill an animal. I'm more of a people person.

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"

So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Me: I got kicked out of the library the other day.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because I put the women rights book in the fiction section.

Like if your best friend has a dog.

Like if your best friend is emo. *repost* or like if you have a best friend.

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

Hey, I know this is a classic joke but I found it pretty funny!

"My name is 4, four like the number," my friend said. "What, was 1 2 3 taken?"

I can even with it but I was bored and decided to share this.

Your hairline is so bad even your gay friend is straighter than it.

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"