My friend asked me how fast my humor was and I said it jumps borders then he asked how dark my humor is and I said it picks cotton.

i told my friend an egg joke yesterday he thought it was eggcelent.

my blind friend got ran over … by a parked car

my friend; yo stupid me; is that right and what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you einstien My friend; rolls eyes and says whatever me; keep on rolling them you might find your brain in there

Me: Wanna play 9/11? Friend: What’s that? Me: Its a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.

If you spin a fidget spinner You’ll end up spinning it too fast when you end up spinning it too fast It will make you fly away when you fly away you’ll end up in a tree when you end up in a tree You’ll see that your friends are hanging out without you When you see that your friends are hanging out without you You’ll run away in the woods because your sad When you ran away in the woods you’ll see a bear when you see a bear it will chase you when the bear chases you you’ll build a fort to protect yourself when you build a fort to protect yourself You than notice your lonely You’ll become friends with the bear When you become friends with a bear, you’ll start to act like a bear when you start to act like a bear You will become a bear DO NOT BECOME A BEAR NEVER PLAY WITH A FIDGET SPINNER

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

a friend texts to another "hey", they reply, “What’s up?”. The first friend then replies with a simple answer, “the sky!”, but the other friend intervenes and says, “no it’s the ceiling!”. To then the first friend finishes the greeting with, “unless you’re homeless or six feet under.”

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, “Awwww, I wish my friends were here.”

When your friend does a finger-gun and his dad appears behind him and does it too, with the real deal

Yesterday I asked my friend “ What is a fish without eyes”
They replied “I don’t know” I said “ fsh “

An American and an Asian walk into a bar. What are your names the bartender asks. The American says William Matthews. The Asian says Same Ting

Friend: Why don’t you cut your hair? Me: Dunno, but i’ll probably cut my wrists first

Why did Sarah fall off the swings? Because she had no arms. Why couldn’t she get up? Because she had no friends

So I was visiting my friends Timmy and Tommy at the phone store and I said, " A, T&T!"

MY DIET: MAKE ALL OF MY FRIENDS CUPCAKES THE FATTER THEY GET THE THINNER I LOOK…

My friend said to me how to spell Tom and I said t o m m and he said that not how you spell it’sTom and he sese you have to take out 1m and he so I said but witch one

“Don’t sneeze”

Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends I would always tell them “Don’t sneeze” and when I did they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed we laughed even harder.

Also,

“It dangles and swung” Language art quizzes are the best

Why couldn’t the carrot go to his friend’s house Because he was grounded

me: knock knock friend: who’s there me: a broken pencil friend: a broken pencil who? me: nevermind its pointless

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