Friend Jokes

What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

I bought a book for my blind friend :)

So a Irish man is walking his poodle and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints. So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says sorry you can’t go in. The Irish man says why can’t I go in? Well you have a dog sir and that sign over there says no dogs aloud your going to have to leave him outside. Well the Irish man thinks quick and says. I’m blind it’s a seeing eye dog. The owner says that’s ridiculous a seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that. The Irish man says well what kind of dog did they give me??😂

Friends: You wanna hang with us? Me: No, I wanna hang myself

You learn from the best.

My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

friend:stop w the sh jokes there not funny me: its not that deep. ill cut it out

Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin? Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.

My friend was feeling low today so I went up to her and said "You know I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life" I don't think she likes me now

Me: I look up to you Friend: Wow, thanks! Me: But in general cuz your so tall

A depressed man buys a gun for suicide but then thinks "maybe i shouldn't be doing this" and asks a friend for help. He returns with a rope.

Location is in London by the way. One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money. His friend, "Oh for once you lost some pounds!"

Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed, receiving medical treatment not that far after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit him. Jeremy told his best buddy this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb tall peaking mountains, and low flat valleys, and all after that we'll be happy forever in heaven, eventually."

little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor

I was talking to my welsh friend the other day and he suddenly started talking welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke