Friend jokes

Why did Sally fall out of the swing?

She had no arms.

Why couldn’t she get up?

Because she had no friends.

I was playing Mortal Kombat with my friend when he picked the fighter Pristiano Penaldo. I won and the voice didn't say "Finish him," so I couldn't do a fatality.

I was confused, but I understood that the game didn't let me finish him because he is already finished.

Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.

Friend: Did your tattoos hurt?

Me: Nah, not really.

Friend: What did they feel like?

Me: 7th grade.

Friend: 😶😶😨😰😰😰😨

My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.

Give a like if I have no friends.

A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.

Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-

Me: Lower lips.

Friend: I gotta go.

A boy went to a costume party with a girl on his back. Someone asked him what he was supposed to be. He answered, "A turtle."

"Then why do you have a girl on your back?" the guy asked again.

The boy answered, "It's Michelle."

My friend: "Yo, stupid."

Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"

My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."

Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."

My friend and I were walking down the street, and we saw this one disabled kid getting bullied by three other kids. Urgently, we sprinted over to help. He had no chance against the five of us.

When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life

Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

My friend once said my opinion didn't matter. I said, "Why did you call me a female?"

Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?

Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.

Why aren't emos and trees friends? Because the tree leaves them hanging.

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.

"Was it hung?" her friend asks.

"No, he was shot."

Q: Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

A: To find Pooh!