Friend jokes

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.

My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.

My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.

Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

Most states:

"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."

Alabama:

"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."

Friend 1: Eyyy gurl

Me: Hey! (Fake smile)

Friend 2: Hey g-guys what 'bout we play would you rather?

6 hours later

Friend 2: So (name) would u rather? 1. "Hang" out with me Or 2. "Jump" 1 times?

Me...e-eh?...Why not both????? We could just "Jump" while "Hanging" out right?

Friend: "You are so ugly." Me: "You can't be talking, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares."

Me: Man, I wish my clothes were emo.

Friend: Why?

Me: So they would hang themselves.

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

Me: Wanna play 9/11?

Friend: What's that?

Me: It's a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

- The emo went to give the tree a high five, but the emo was left hanging.

- How did the gay person die? Homicide.

- Why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? He was cutting in line.

- When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.

- I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was such a good dog.

- I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away.

- How is the person over there different from cancer? His dad didn't beat cancer.

Me and my friend were roasting each other. She said, "You look like a Reese's cup." I replied, "You're so old, your pubic hairs are 50 shades of gray."

Me telling a depression and suicide joke in front of my friends.

My friends: ........ Oh wait, I don't have any, so nothing to worry about here.

Why did Sally fall out of the swing?

She had no arms.

Why couldn’t she get up?

Because she had no friends.