Friend jokes
A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.
His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"
The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."
My friend fell on the Nile river and Egypt last week.
He swears by it, but he’s in denial.
"A friend with weed is a friend indeed."
My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.
A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.
God creates dog.
God: "You are man's best friend."
Dog: "That's pretty sexist."
God: "No, man as in- You know what, FUCK IT! You can't speak!"
Dog: "....."
God: "And chocolate kills you!"
Dog: "🐶"
Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.
Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"
Friend: "Your blood pressure!"
Q. What do you say when your friend has an abortion?
A. May your baby rest in pieces.
What's Daveon's favorite type of music? Daveon-core.
What do you call your retard friend?
A homie with an extra cromie.
Person: Did you hear about the black chick on the front of the bus?
Friend: No?
Person: Exactly.
My friend's dad went to jail. He's just surprised because he can finally find him!
I asked my friend what happened to him?
His balance shifted.
The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."
I took my friend skydiving once, and he jumped out of the plane without a parachute. Then I remembered he was emo.
I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.
He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.
Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.
Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.
Me: Oh, I already tried that.
Friend 1: *turns off lights*
Friend 2: *is there with us*
Me: Woah! Where did friend 2 go?!
My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."