Ali from Kazakhstan, he got small forehead, all his friends laugh. They say, "Ali, your forehead so tiny, you need magnifying glass to see!" But Ali, he not care, he proud of his unique look. When he wear hat, it look like top of mountain, so funny, everyone laugh with him. Ali know small forehead no problem, it make him special, like rare gem!
I had a friend who got shot in the head.
Guess you could say he was...
Blown Away!
Roses are red, violets are blue, and if you're my friend, I'll be there till the end.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
How can you tell your best friend is gay?
His meat tastes like shit.
Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.
My two friends came to me one day and said they had the best blowjob that they ever had from my little sister. So I ask my sister, "Is it true that you gave my friends blowjobs?" She said yes.
My sister asked me, "Do you want one?" I said yeah. My sister gave me a blowjob and wow, just like my friends, it was the best blowjob that I ever had. As an older brother, I couldn't be more prouder.
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."
Q: What is the difference between two bottles of Whiskey and 2 pretty feminist girls?
A: You don't leave the bottles in the cold and dark forest after you and your 9 friends are finished with them.
Me: *sprays some perfume on myself*
Friend: Omg, that smells so good! You’re so aromatic, how do you not have a bf yet?
Me: ... I’m aromantic and aromatic. I do not desire romantic relationships with others although I do enjoy carrying lovely scents with me.
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."
Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.
My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.
My friend asked which is better to have, and you have to choose: autism or Down syndrome?
What do you call a 5th grader with no friends?
Sandy Hook survivor.
My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.
I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.
I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.
My friend called me fat, so I challenged him to a running race.
Me: What has two legs and bleeds?
Friend: Um, women? Obviously?
Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.
