Why does Sally have no friends? Because she is obese.
My friend tried to sleep on napkins.
I guess that's why they're called NAP-kins.
Two sticks of butter walk into a butter bar. One says to the other, "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?" He replies, "Sure, dis my butter from another utter."
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere.
Why are you so bonely, my friend? I am at least glad that you are not boneless.
So I was visiting my friends Timmy and Tommy at the phone store and I said, "A. T&T!"
When my friend says I suck at something, I'm like, "U swallow."
After sleeping with her boyfriend for the first time, the lead singer of Blackbriar told her friend all about it: "Ik zora cock!"
This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.
Me: Hey, wanna know my spirit animal?
Friend: Sure.
Me: Roadkill, because I can see my mom pretty clearly now.
Friend: Wait, aren't you dead?
Me: Aren't you my son?
Friend: So that's what Mom was trying to hide from me.
Why did potassium draw a tear that would result in him crying?
Because all of his friends argon.
The teacher says to do your homework. I do. My friends do. One person never does any of his homework.
Eventually, we had to have fun. He said he didn't do it. WOW what did he do? I like to think he got smacked and nearly committed suicide.
One day I saw my friend in a hospital bed. He told me to call 911. Instead, I called his parents.
I made a bet with my friend that I couldn’t create a working car with spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta! 😂
Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."
A friend asked me, "Where are you going?"
I answered, "6 feet underground."
How did two retarded people get ran over in one second?
They're my friends.
Friend: Why don't you cut your hair?
Me: Dunno, but I'll probably cut my wrists first.
My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"
Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?
I was talking to a close friend that was Islamic.
He said he was being shipped to an amazing training.
I asked, "Where are you going?"
He said, "Camp Bin Laden."
I asked, "What do they do there?"
He answered, "They got bomb training and hand to hand combat training. Plus they got arts and crafts."
I asked, "What do you mean by arts and crafts?"
He said, "See this towel on my head?" I nodded. "I made it out of boxer jokes."
