Friend jokes

Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

"I asked my friend what his height is?" He answered, "I'm sans'sational!"

Yesterday I asked my friend, "What is a fish without eyes?"

They replied, "I don’t know."

I said, "Fsh."

A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"

What do you call a 5-year-old with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

When the chair was invented, the inventor's friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: "You might want to sit down for this."

My friend's life.

I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.

They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

My friend's mother thought a kid who had autism and Down syndrome called him a "double down."

Me and my friends were telling puns. My teacher said we should be “pun-ished.”

A girl walks up to her friend with sunglasses she missed very much.

She told her, "Hey, long time no see."

Why did Shawn suddenly fly to Mount Everest, leaving behind friends, family, and food?

Someone told him that "Shelby"'s coming 'round the mountain.

Ur mom, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I have no friends :'(

"Are you taco to me? I nacho friend."

My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.

I should put a little more backbone into them.

My friend had a drink called Quick Start, so I said, "That's a quick start to the morning!"

A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.