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Friend jokes

This gay guy was so happy with his new boyfriend that he took him to his favorite gay bar.

An hour or so goes by, then the new flame says, "I just LOVE this place, everyone is so nice, food is great, but what's up with the monkey way down there?"

His friend says "OK, watch this." He goes up behind the chimp and smacked him in back of its head. The monkey jumped off the stool, pulls down his zipper, and gives him head. When finished, the chimp took a napkin, cleaned himself, pulled up his zipper, then jumped back to his chair.

He walked back to his new gay friend and said, "What do you think of that?"

"MAN, I seen some amazing things, but never like that!" His squeeze said, "Wanna give it a try?"

"I sure do, JUST DON'T hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."

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    • There were three guys stranded on a desert island. Each was granted one wish by a genie that found them. The first guy said, "I wish to go back home." The second guy says the same, and the third guy said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

    A friend was doing bird puns on me. Then I realized that toucan play at that game.

    Two guys are on the playground. One guy says to the other, "Did you know that Hellen Keller had a playground in her backyard?" The other guy said, "No." The first guy says, "Neither did she."

    I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

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    • If you ever have a gay friend whose comatose, tell his family he/she was a fruit. Now he/she's a vegetable, at least they're still in the produce section.

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    • I have a friend called Jakob and asked him, "Where my crackers are?"

    My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.

    I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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    • Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.

    Me: But you are not standing:)

    A man is sitting in a chair. He is talking to the other friend about what they must cherish.

    One says he cherishes his family, the other cherishes his parents, and a man comes in, points at the chair and says, “I CHAIRish my Chair” as he pulls up a chair.

    Why did Sally fall out of the swing?

    She had no arms.

    Why couldn’t she get up?

    Because she had no friends.

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    • One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."

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    • My friend: "Ya mama so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!"

    Me: "That joke's older than your mom!"

    I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

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    • My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

    So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.

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