Food jokes
What do you call a gay drive by?
A fruit roll up.
What happens to a cannibal who shows up late for dinner? He gets the cold shoulder.
I told my friend an egg joke yesterday.
He thought it was eggcellent.
Me: Hey, I have candy.
Kid: Right next to me, can I have some?
Me: Some of deez nuts.
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.
I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.
What do you call a cow who's personality is down to Earth?
Ground beef.
Welcome to the roadkill cafe, where yesterday's crash is today's cash.
Meya eats meat all her sins is go off when she eat meat.
When you're at school and you have to wipe your ass, but it's only one ply...
Your finger breaks through... mmm, finger lickin' good.
*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."
Person 2: "Probably Bullets."
Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"
Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."
Person 1: "...."
Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."
One day I was walking next to a homeless man, and he was eating grass. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I said, "Follow me." You should have seen his face when I showed him my backyard!
What do you call a guy that's high in a wheelchair?
A baked potato.
Mommy, Mommy! Are we vampires?
Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!
Today I ate out my girlfriend... Jeffrey Dahmer style.
What do you call a retarded person and a stroke victim in the same bed?
Mashed potatoes.
Next time you get a call from anybody, say, "Hi, welcome to Dave's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"
Or,
"Hi, welcome to Pizza and Abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce!"
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spareribs!
Why did the twin towers complain to the pizza restaurant?... Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and got plain.
What's Damo's favorite food?
Big slongs.