Food jokes

What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?

I don't jizz on an apple before eating it.

What do you call a load of retards in a swimming pool?

Vegetable soup.

Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?

Just too bitter.

Where do Dairy Queen and Burger King go after dinner?

White Castle.

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reali-tea.

What do you call a black person in a swimming pool?

Coco Pops.

What type of cake can't orphans eat?

Home made.

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

A man goes to a restaurant and asks for some chili.

The waiter said, "Sorry sir, this is an Asian restaurant."

So he stretches his eyes and says, "Oh herro, can I get some chiri?"

How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?

It has an extra crumb-osome.

What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?

A baby in the microwave!

Yo mama is so poor, she buys used food.

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.

Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"

"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."

When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.

The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.

After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."

"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"

Why'd Billy get fired from the banana factory?

He kept throwing with the bent one.

Whenever I order coffee, I always get the depresso with extra depresso sauce.

What’s the hardest part about making vegetable soup?

To put the wheelchair in the pot.

One day I was walking next to a homeless man, and he was eating grass. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I said, "Follow me." You should have seen his face when I showed him my backyard!

What do the Twin Tower survivors order from Tim Hortons? A plane bagel.

Your mom is so dumb that she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.

You must be ice cream because I wanna lick you up.