Food jokes
I hate orange, but that always juice back.
Why do orphans have water with their cereal?
Because dad never came home with the milk.
Why did the rapper open a bakery?
Because he wanted to ROLL in the DOUGH!
What type of fish goes best with peanut butter?
Jellyfish!
Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected.
When your mom pulls the "I put food on the table, I put clothes on your back, I put a roof over your head" card.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?
Three men are working on a building site.
Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.
The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.
"By god," the man exclaims, "I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years, and every day, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself."
The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.
"Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Every day, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I’m with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I’m killing myself."
The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.
"I don’t believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I’ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn’t have to work on this sordid site no more! I’m sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I’m killing myself."
The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.
The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.
At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.
"If only I’d known how much he didn’t like ham sandwiches," says the first man’s wife, "I always thought he was being ironic!"
"And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like cheese sandwiches," says the second man’s wife, "I always thought he was being sarcastic!"
"And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like tuna sandwiches," says the third man’s wife, "but I don’t know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!"
Life is like a box of chocolates. It gets finished pretty quickly if you're a fat guy.
I would make a joke about fat people, but they already have enough on their plate.
Q: What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
A: One of them gets picked.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
Did Walmart take the Juneteenth ice cream off the shelf?
It was only 3/5 full.
What is a gay person's favorite fast food place?
Jack(off) in the Box.
Dude, your last name sounds like a seafood shop, Jordan C.!
Why are hindustan bhai so good at Python?
When they are hungry, they use Python and take credit card information ;). You know what they say, you give a man a curry and he eats for a day, you give a man a language and he eats for a lifetime.
What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
I'm not in jail for tossing a salad.
I named my refrigerator Oicurmt, because every time I look in, I say, "O I C, U R MT."
What do you call a fake noodle?
An im-pasta.
Is it still called beef if two vegetarians are arguing?
Have you heard of Wendy's?
Yea, Wendy's nuts in you mouth.