Floor jokes

If you drop an emo and a piece of paper out of a tree, you know what will hit the floor first? The paper, because the rope will stop the emo.

Why is the queen in chess the most powerful piece? Because the board looks like a kitchen floor.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

Helen Keller: *Gets knocked to the floor*

Helen Keller (in her head): "Wow, I didn't see that coming!"

Yo mama so fat, when she jumped, I didn’t laugh, but the floor cracked up.

Joe mama so fat, when she did the IShowSpeed dance, she fell five floors down.

What do you call a fat Indian sat on the floor?

A meatball/malteser.

I woke up on the floor this morning. I think I woke up on the wrong side though.

Your mom is so stupid, she got lost in Bed Bath & Beyond and slept on the floor.

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

What was going through the head of a 9/11 victim on the 88th floor?

The 89th floor.

What is blue and wiggling on my floor?

A baby in a bag.

I'd mop the floor with your face, but you might just mess it up more.

I might slide up to your block with intelligence. I'm a genius with a glock. There's some relevance. Took his chain, took his rocks. Took his sediments. There's no cap inside my speech. No impediments.

Putting numbers on the board, I use my calculator. Put a opp below the floor, he's a denominator. E = mc2, you didn't notice that? Had the shot, but he's too scared. Why didn't he buss it back?

The bear rug on Chuck Norris's floor isn't dead, it's just afraid to move.

My daughter is super smart! She pours her own drinks on the floor.

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.

"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"

"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."

5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"

I slip on the wet floor, haha silly water :)

-Kachow!!!!!!!!!!!

-LMQ, You know what comes before lighting? THUNDER KACHIGA

So a lady came up to me today at the bank, and she asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.