First jokes

Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

Doctor: I have bad news.

Man: What?

Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.

Man: Oh, no...

Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.

Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!

What did the rapist say to his victim?

"Go ahead, call the police. We will see who comes first."

Where were the first French Fries 🍟 made?

In Greece.

Ahmed is "bombuni guisisni" and Marcus is "bombardilo crocodilo" because Ahmed was late to the plane party and Marcus was first.

When does a cub become a Boy Scout?

When he eats his first brownie.

A guy gives labor to a baby girl and a boy twins. The doctor said but the lady was like,

"Ugh, why do I need my husband to be in labor and I want a girl, not a boy, just a girl!"

The lady passed out 😵 and then found out she was in a coma. The man who was in labor died. The two babies got a nanny, an evil one. The nanny killed the babies on their first birthday.

Your mama so white that her first number was 911.

So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.

Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)

Frank: Yo

Fred: Hi...

Frank: U heard about de competition?

Fred: Yeah...

Frank: You wanna hang out?

Fred: .......

Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.

Fred: ...I(

Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.

Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.

Teacher: Little Johnny, why are you late again?

Little Johnny: I had to be there for the birth of our first mixed cow, the white cow fell on the mud! (The teacher faints)

What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?

Ivana Pulyova.

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”

The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”

The third blonde says “so we go at night.”

The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.

It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.

What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the first period starts.

Stephen Hawking tried comedy.

His first line ruined it. "You know what I can't stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can't stand."

3 men go to hell. Satan says if you can question me and I can't answer, you go to heaven.

The first man asks if Satan knew how to make computers. He goes to hell. The next man asks if he knew how to make furniture. He goes too. The third man pokes a ton of holes in a bottle cap and farts in the bottle, asks Satan where the fart came from. Satan said every possible answer and the man pointed to his butthole and said "nope this one"😂

John Cabot was the first to explore the Coast of Labrador. After he left, he realized that he had forgotten something and had to go back to get whatever it was. This made him the first Labrador Retriever.

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

I don't know, go google it.

So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.

Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."