Finance jokes
Money and women are kind of the same thing for me; it comes and goes very easily.
Why did the chicken crack the safe?
To get to her nest egg.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snowbank.
A guy bought an AMG and crashed it. Now he knows how the Mercedes bends.
What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people?
Death.
According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form consists of only four lines:
1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.
Why do laws forbid hoes from owning stocks in condom makers?
Answer: Insider trading.
My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.
I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"
I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"
What happened when the American broke his arm?
He went broke.
Yo mama's so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.
Why can orphans not grow big and strong? Because they need a parent to buy them steroids.
What is the capital of Greece? -- About 10 dollars.
Why did Hitler commit suicide?
He got the gas bill.
Yo momma's so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.
I just came across a pile of cash in the parking lot.
Usually I just use tissues.
How did the guys with Down syndrome split the dinner bill? They all made a down payment.
When you find out the stripper you're banging is a hooker, but you're saving money, so it's okay.
Bubba couldn't make rent, so he offered to sleep with the landlady instead.
I think he forgot he lived in his mom's basement.
My mom and I went to a bank. Hard to say I never heard of it. The name is "Addison Banks."
LOL
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."