Finance jokes

Which company likes Jesus the most?

IHS Markit!

What has a head, a tail, but no body?

You might be innocent, but if you carry a large sum of cash in public, the cops won’t believe that.

What do you call a low budget terrorist attack?

7/11

Bro, living is so expensive, and I'm not even having fun doing it or getting my money's worth.

A suicidal customer walks into a gun store.

Cashier: Is this your final purchase?

Customer: Actually, yes it is!

A Mario & Luigi joke.

What are the Mario bros' view on child support?

Mario: The parents are obligated to provide for the child and help them the best they could.

Luigi: LMAO I GOTTA GO!

I can make a living with the "Treat Yo self" budget.

Yet I can’t use the "Help yo self" budget.

"Does this make any cents?" a man says.

"Oh, it does make cents," me. <-- thing: Lemin"aid" <-- another joke.

How do rappers make their money?

By dropping dimes.

Your mama's so fat, she runs a trade deficit with food!

My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.

Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.

When you get injured 😢

When you get injured in America 😭😭😭😭💵💵💵💵💵🏩🏩🏩

What’s the difference between Geico and a wife?

Geico saves you more.

What does a husband of a woman do when he is horny?

He goes on a business trip with 100 $1 dollar bills.

I lost my job at the bank today. A lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

As a son, I like sports, and I watch sports with my mom. So one day, we were looking at football. My mom asked me who makes the most money. I said the quarterback.

My mom told me I'm going to get a quarterback as my new boyfriend, and it'll be your new stepfather. A week later, my mom went out. I came home, and I see my mom making out with a high school kid. I said, "What's going on?" My mom said, "Look, my new boyfriend and new stepfather is the high school quarterback." My mom said, "See, mission accomplished." I said, "Yeah, job well done."

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

What do you call a country's booty?

Its bottom line.

I saw your mother get into a white Ford Taurus on the corner of Milton and Halliburton, and you're still trying to tell me she ain't got no job cause she "can't get a ride to work?"