Finance jokes
My bank loves me. They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.
Why did Stephen Hawking die? He didn't pay his electricity bills.
What did the dime say to the penny? At least I have more cents than you.
A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something good.
What do you call a rich Asian?
Cha-ching!
Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"
Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"
Jack and Jill went up the hill, each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50, that fuckin' whore.
The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.
You're so bald that your hairline is receding faster than my bank account after a trip to Las Vegas.
Did you know that a majority of the U.S. is afraid of the dark?
Especially if they are right behind you at the ATM.
Yo mama's so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.
Where do fish keep their money?
In a riverbank!
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.
So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.
What's the difference between $1 million and baby teeth?
I don't have $1 million in my wallet.
A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"
Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.
The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."
The trip from your eyebrow to your hairline costs $6000.
My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.
Weird, he usually uses a sock.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."
I tried to adopt an orphan. The card got declined harder than the child did.