Finance jokes

EU Delegate: "Sir, your country has the highest corruption and crime rate out of any other member nations. What do you have to say?"

Ambassador: *tries slipping the delegate 40 Euros* "You didn't see any statistics."

H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?

W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.

*Later that day*

W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?

H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

What do you call a rapper who works at the BANK?

Lil Teller.

If the government can print money,

Then why are we paying taxes?

What’s the difference between a bank vault and you aunt's anus?

The owner of bank vaults don’t force you to penetrate it.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Yo mama so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

How do you keep a bull from charging?

You take its credit card away.

What do cows call money?

Moola.

How to decorate a wall:

Strip off the paper and original plaster.

Put on fresh plaster and wallpaper.

Paint it (if you want).

Send a bill to North America and wait patiently for a reply.

Yo mama so fat that State Farm tried to get on her side but couldn’t.

Want to save 50% on your Chinese?

Just ask before you pay.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.

I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

Dating 101:

Here's what you do:

1. Dinner. 2. Kiss. 3. Movie. 4. Sex. 5. Bring her back home. 6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting.

What do you call a rich Chinese child?

"Ching Ching..."

What do you call a parent that is pregnant?

Buy one, get one free.

I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Where did the pirate pay his taxes?

Aye, Argh, Sea.

Dude, if you're at the ATM, wouldn't that mean you're buying your own money?