Finance jokes

What’s the difference between a bank vault and you aunt's anus?

The owner of bank vaults don’t force you to penetrate it.

What do you call a rapper who works at the BANK?

Lil Teller.

How to decorate a wall:

Strip off the paper and original plaster.

Put on fresh plaster and wallpaper.

Paint it (if you want).

Send a bill to North America and wait patiently for a reply.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

A suicidal customer walks into a gun store.

Cashier: Is this your final purchase?

Customer: Actually, yes it is!

What do you call a parent that is pregnant?

Buy one, get one free.

What do you call a rich Chinese child?

"Ching Ching..."

The cashier asked if I wanted to give my extra dollar to the poor. I said sure, and I got a Cash App notification for $1.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

P.S. My brother made this up when he had no meds... I almost died.

What does ATM stand for?

Answer: Amy’s Terrible Mom.

😂🤣

Bro, living is so expensive, and I'm not even having fun doing it or getting my money's worth.

I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Where did the pirate pay his taxes?

Aye, Argh, Sea.

Dude, if you're at the ATM, wouldn't that mean you're buying your own money?

Child abortion is like tax evasion: the more you lose, the less problems you have.

Where do you buy cows in bulk?

At the stock market.

I'm so poor I have to put my Big Mac burger on layaway.

Why do laws forbid hoes from owning stocks in condom makers?

Answer: Insider trading.

Why can the orphan only buy 1 ice cream cone?

He can't afford a family pack.

You never think of how people will react to an event. My friend gets discounts at any store he goes to.