Finance jokes

What do cows call money?

Moola.

What do you call a rapper who works at the BANK?

Lil Teller.

How to decorate a wall:

Strip off the paper and original plaster.

Put on fresh plaster and wallpaper.

Paint it (if you want).

Send a bill to North America and wait patiently for a reply.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

Child abortion is like tax evasion: the more you lose, the less problems you have.

Where did the pirate pay his taxes?

Aye, Argh, Sea.

Why can the orphan only buy 1 ice cream cone?

He can't afford a family pack.

I'm so poor I have to put my Big Mac burger on layaway.

Why do laws forbid hoes from owning stocks in condom makers?

Answer: Insider trading.

Why did the chiropractor go to jail? For not paying $75 in back taxes.

You never think of how people will react to an event. My friend gets discounts at any store he goes to.

Where do you buy cows in bulk?

At the stock market.

Bro, living is so expensive, and I'm not even having fun doing it or getting my money's worth.

I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Dude, if you're at the ATM, wouldn't that mean you're buying your own money?

Where do fishes keep their money?

In a riverbank.

Hey girl, are you my boss? 'Cause you just gave me a raise.

What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people?

Death.

Why is an orphan's favorite game Monopoly?

Because they can actually buy a house.

What do you call a tall, affluent person? A big success.