Finance jokes
Messi isn't as rich as Ronaldo. He cannot afford a Lamborghini.
What was the movie about the dog called?
The woof of Wall Street.
I just donated $100 to a blind children's charity, suck that no one will see it.
What do you call a Chinese rich man? Cha-ching!
What is money called in space?
Star bucks.
Why did the rapper visit the bank?
To get his RHYME CHECK.
Yo mama's so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.
Why did the football player go to the bank?
To get his quarter back.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Why do you go to the bank?
To get money.
When do you run from the bank?
When the cops come.
Why did Stephen Hawking die? He didn't pay his electricity bills.
What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?
-"I want my quarterback."
Why do egos like robbing banks?
They get a cut.
I gave an orphan 5 dollars and I said, "Spend it on a candy bar." I came back 5 minutes later and he didn't have a candy bar. So I look over and I see that he has a piggy bank that has 40 dollars and I said, "Where did you get that?" He said, "For being homeless," and I said, "What are you going to spend it on?" He looked at me and said, "I'm going to pay money for a mother."
So, three guys are walking down the street together and decide to go rob a bank.
The first one goes for the richest man in the city’s vault but can’t open it easily and is caught and sent to death in jail for robbing the richest man.
The second one goes for his uncle's vault because screw that son of a b***h; he’s rich, why does he need all the money? But his uncle was unfortunately at the vault that day and snapped his nephew's neck.
The third one went for his ex’s vault and thought, “Well, that b***h can suck my d**k; she’s so poor anyway, who would care if I take all her money so she dies of hunger and dehydration and homelessness?” So he managed to get into her vault easily because it wasn’t heavily locked and took all her money. The next day, the third guy's ex showed up to his house and said, “I’m gonna f*****g murder you,” so she shot him dead and got her money from his house.
In hell, the three guys see each other and explain what happened. The third guy did and then asked, “You know, I don’t get it. If the richest guys are heavily guarded but already have so much money in their house, why does it need to be heavily guarded? I don’t understand why the poorer aren’t heavily guarded when they are so poor they need the money.” And the first guy said, “B***h, I don’t know, maybe the bank tellers think poor people should suck it and just die already.”
Why did the duck not enjoy his restaurant date? Because he didn't want to see the bill.
I'm so poor that I had to rob a food bank for a loaf of bread.
I fucked your mom, that's why I've been paying your life support since you were born.
Why did the chiropractor go to jail? For not paying $75 in back taxes.
The bank said go to the river bank. Oh, oh, oh, good fishy joke!