Finance jokes

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.

What does a Chinese do when you throw an apple at him? Ka-ching!

Why can't orphans play Monopoly?

Because they never get a full house.

Roses are red, violets are blue, the stonks are high, and so are you.

Yo mama's so poor, she chases the garbage truck with a grocery list.

The bank said go to the river bank. Oh, oh, oh, good fishy joke!

Why did the booty get a job?

To make ends meet!

The nearest approximation to a perpetuum mobile would be a Swabian chasing a Scot because of money.

(Swabians are the Scots of Germany regarding finances.)

Say "Mike Wizowski" fast to a teenager and I will get you $100000000000.

What do you call a person that inherits a lot of money?

A millionheir.

I gave an orphan 5 dollars and I said, "Spend it on a candy bar." I came back 5 minutes later and he didn't have a candy bar. So I look over and I see that he has a piggy bank that has 40 dollars and I said, "Where did you get that?" He said, "For being homeless," and I said, "What are you going to spend it on?" He looked at me and said, "I'm going to pay money for a mother."

So Johnny Depp made an appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards as an astronaut. It really looks like he wants to be the new Elon Musk, whatever career path is most viable for Depp. I got to admit, if launching crystal meth into your nostrils and your anus is as viable as launching rockets to Mars, Johnny Depp would surpass Elon Musk in net worth.

Then again, the money Depp spends on alcohol each month, he could have bought all of Michael Bloomberg's penthouses in Manhattan. Sure sounds like he also shares the same financial advisor as Donald Trump, who thought it was a magnificent idea to launch Trump Airlines and Trump Ice. He already shares the same pro-Kremlin lawyer, by the way.

Na only this guy I know say him trouser fat pass his bank account. 😹😹😹

That's if you even have an account. 😹😹💔😹💔💔😹😹

A blind old guy asked me if I had any money to spare. I laughed and said I had a gold tooth.

I don't have any now.

In response to a buddy saying they joined a golf club:

"Jfc, you’ve gone softer than your old man’s dick after your mom suggests a romantic night in! I swear to God you’re so fucking bougie."

(Pause)

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, while you were gone I got a weird call for you... Some Jeff guy? Said something about a loan..."

"Jeff who?"

"Bezos."

A man with 20 dollars walked into Dave & Buster's. He went to the bathroom to wash his hands. He walked out without any clothes but still has his money.

What has a head, a tail, but no body?

So last night I went on a taxi and I showed them your photo. All they said was I could ride him, it would be expensive though, since from his eyebrows to hairline is at least £100.

My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.

Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.