Father jokes
Why do orphans eat water with their cereal? Because their father never came home with milk.
Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
The son margarine shows his father his test that he failed.
Father: Son, you can do butter!
One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."
So, a daughter asks her father, "Dad, what is your opinion on abortions?" Her father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?" The daughter responds, "But I don't have a sister... Oh."
Your hairline goes back to when your dad left you.
Son: Dad, what's a morbid joke?
Father: Walk over to a homeless man and throw a rock at him, then you will know.
Son: But Dad, I don't have arms or legs.
Father: Now you know.
Why did the orphan go to church?
It was because he was looking for someone to call "Father."
A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.
She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.
The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.
The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"
Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"
Why do orphans only have 354 days?
'Cause they are missing Mothers and Fathers day!
I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"
A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."
What's the difference between fathers and hurricanes?
Nothing. They both destroy families and then leave for a couple of years.
What did the daddy bullet say to his son when he missed the bull and hit something brown and gross?
"That is bull crap!"
Why did your father go away?
'Cause he needs da milk.
Did I ever tell you my father should have been on the plane that crashed into the Twin Towers?
But that's just my opinion.
One time I walked into a room and I saw a man and a dwarf, and I soon found out that the man was the dwarf's father, and I noticed that the dwarf really looked up to him.
What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.
I can't sit down anymore... My dad went too far this time.
Your dad went to get the milk, but he was actually trying to find his father. He wasn't there.