Family jokes

My granddad died in Auschwitz in WW2...

He fell from a tower.

If you wanna hit somebody, hit an orphan, what are they gonna do... tell their parents?

A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.

Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"

My brother

There was once a young sister who never got anything good for her birthday, and she was sick of it. So one day the girl asked for a puppy, and the parents said yes.

When she got the puppy, he was nice, but the puppy needed food every two minutes. The parents eventually got sick of it and came up with a plan. Two weeks passed and the younger and less fat sister asked where her other sister was as she wanted to play Barbies. “And also, why haven’t you been feeding the dog? He needs food, you know.” The parents only answered with “Oh! Yes, you can have a room all to yourself now. And about the puppy...he won’t need feeding for years.”

Most embarrassing moment during sex, GO!

James Arnold: My grandma walked in while I was knife raping my wife.

A guy tells his pal, "My wife is expecting. We're going to the clinic to see if it's a girl or a boy."

"Congrats, man. What are you gonna name it if it's a boy?"

"We're going with Trevor."

"Ok, what if it's a girl?"

"Then we'll have an abortion."

My sister said, "Daddy can you pass the salt?" So I raped her.

You know what's the worst about having a daughter with cancer?

You can't pull her hair when you hit it from the back.

My mum touched my friend, but she wasn’t the she’s only 12.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? Your father.

Why can't orphans have sex?

They do not have anyone to call "daddy."

Why can't orphans have sex?

Because they have no one to call "daddy."😳

How do Chinese people get their names? Their parents throw woks down the stairs and name their children after the sound it makes.

The other day my mom called me a retard.

I'm now an orphan.

What's the difference between cancer and me?

My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.

A dad asked his son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday, and he replied, "How about a urinal cake?!"

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant lady? You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"

Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."

The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."

The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"

Incest is wincest.