Family jokes
Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.
Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."
"Really?" asked a little girl.
"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."
Why wouldn’t Mrs. Grapes leave her children behind?
Because she loves raisin kids.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell them to clap til' their parents get home.
Why can't an orphan be gay?
Because they have no one to call daddy.
I got my orphan kid a phone. She was pressing the home button, but it didn't work.
What's similar between a 14 year old pregnant girl and the fetus inside of her?
They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's going to kill me!"
Yo mama is so stupid, because when she gave birth to you, she asked for a receipt!
Your birth certificate is a complaint to the condom factory.
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Why doesn't Helen Keller's kid have ears? She gave it its first haircut!
One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."
What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.
New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."
Students: "OOOF"
Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"
Students: "Your Parents."
Q: Why can orphans swim?
A: They have or-fins.
Incest is wincest. (That was above.)
Fun for the whole family!
Next of kin, count me in!
What's the difference between a T-Rex and your sister? I can't stick my dick in a dinosaur.
At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"
My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.
There's a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.
Can we stop talking about 9/11? I lost my dad in it.
He was a great pilot.