Family jokes
What’s worse than finger banging your sister?
Finding your dad’s wedding ring.
There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.
For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.
I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad.
I’m a faux pa.
What's the difference between the milkman and my dad?
Nothing, they are both one thing except he never returns with milk.
(I've been eating cereal with water COMBINATION!)
Yo mama's so big, her belt size is "equator."
Why can't orphans walk through doors?
Because they don't have a house to walk into.
Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
Dad: Son, do you want to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?
Son: Sure, let me get it from the closet.
Dad: No, bring your sisters. Just like the game, they can’t move their legs.
I was walking down the hallway at my job when I saw a kid crying.
I asked him where his parents were, and he kept crying.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.
Bin Laden’s kid comes sad from school.
“Dad, I got an F in Geography class!”
“Why is that?”
“The teacher asked me what’s the tallest building in New York and I said ‘Empire State Building.’”
Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies, “Let dad handle this one.”
Your mum is so slow, it took her nine months to make a joke.
The only thing drier than these jokes is your mom.
Why does an orphan hate the ending of Finding Nemo?
Nemo goes back to his father.
Me: Do you eat your cereal with water? You: No, why? Me: 'Cause your dad never came back with the milk!
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.
My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.
She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.
My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
Oh wait, I'm thinking of...
Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be wanted.